Classically Shitty: Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Hilarious? Were there jokes in this movie? I must have missed them.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of those “classic” movies you are supposed to like because film-fags said so. But it’s awful. I can’t think of a single redeeming aspect of this movie. Sure, it has George Peppard of A-Team fame, but that doesn’t enhance the movie. Maybe if halfway through Mr. T burst through a brick wall, gold chains glittering, a machine gun blasting, bullets ripping Holly Golightly’s flesh into threads, the movie could have been cool. But that didn’t happen, so it’s a piece of shit.

The actual breakfast at Tiffany’s is the first scene of the movie. But it’s so vague you have no idea what the fuck is happening. Holly stands outside the store some time before it opens and eats a pastry. That’s it. That was the breakfast at Tiffany’s. Well, the breakfast outside Tiffany’s at any rate. I guess you could end the movie right there. It would be preferable to the non-stop shitfest that follows. And believe me, it is a shitfest. Breakfast at Tiffany’s is boring, has shitty dialogue, a retarded protagonist, and it’s incredibly racist, too. It really has it all. 

Classically Shitty: The Hustler

This would have been better than what we saw in The Hustler.

There are certain movies that grace every “Best Of” list of top films. These are the ones that filmfags can’t help but jizz over at their mere mention. They get praised by critics, and labeled as “groundbreaking” and “influential.” Typically, they are also boring as shit and are a test of patience to even sit through them. These are the movies I want to discuss in “Classically Shitty.” The ones you are supposed to like because the filmfags said they were great, but when you watch them you can’t help but feel like you just wasted two hours of your life.

Although the first entry into this series was probably my completely fair and balanced review of 2001: A Space Odyssey, I will officially kick off this series with a review of one of the worst pieces of shit ever put to celluloid: The Hustler.

This is a 1961 film starring Paul Newman. The American Film Institute regards it as the 6th best sports movie ever made. Well, if you consider “sports” to be standing around, smoking, drinking, and acting like a jackass, then yeah, this is a sports movie. It’s about a guy named Fast Eddie Feltcher Felson who likes to play pool, and wants to beat the reigning king of the game, a dude named Minnesota Fats. The apparent twist is that Fast Eddie is a lot better than he appears to be, and hopes to take out Minnesota Fats by surprise.