Killer Joe, The Book Thief

Killer Joe

Seriously. What. The. Fuck?

This has got to be one of the craziest, stupidest, weirdest, most ridiculous pieces of shit put to celluloid in recent years. Basically, a kid decides to kill his mother so he can get the insurance money to pay off his debt from a loan shark. He doesn’t want to murder his own mother, so he hires a hitman played by Matthew McConaughey.

After the job is finished, McConaughey doesn’t leave. He skulks around the trailer park lusting over the kid’s younger, mentally retarded sister. They start banging, and he further ingrains himself into the family dynamic. Eventually, she gets pregnant with his demon spawn. The kid obviously doesn’t like this, and it’s super weird and creepy.

There is a completely bizarre scene at the end where McConaughey punches a lady in the face and makes her pretend to have oral sex on a drumstick. Everything ends as stupidly as it began with nothing making any sense, and everything being completely overwrought and ridiculous.

I think McConaughey was trolling us with this one. There was no way he thought the script was any good.

Verdict: Shitty

The Book Thief

There have to be about a billion World War II movies, and half of those are Holocaust movies. The Book Thief isn’t exactly a Holocaust movie, but it falls in the ballpark, focusing on Nazi atrocities. The problem with so many movies based on the same historical event is that they eventually lose their impact. Yes, the Holocaust was a horrific event that the world should always remember so it will never be repeated. But we have seen it so many times on film, it has begun to lose the visceral impact it once had.

The Book Thief adds nothing new to the genre, and actually detracts more than anything else. It’s about the plight of a young German girl who lives in an idyllic town throughout the course of the war. She joins the Hitler Youth, but becomes disgusted when they burn books. She begins to hide books in her basement as a means of preserving them.

Despite this being the title of the film, not much really comes of that. It’s not like her stealing books has any significant impact on the overall story. The world moves around the main character and she is completely ineffectual. Her actions do not advance the plot, or even really put her in much peril. She stands listlessly while the war ends on its own volition.

We get some super cheesy shit where Death itself actually narrates parts of the film. It speaks at the end and tells us the main character lived happily ever after. Whoopty-fucking-shit.

The Book Thief is failed Oscar-bait. They think the subject matter will make it a glorious success automatically. Unfortunately, the story is weak and done better a million times before. It’s hard to care much about a German girl who hides books with little to no personal danger when compared to the likes of Oscar Schindler who put himself in constant physical danger and ruined himself financially to save Jews.

Verdict: Shitty

A Pirate’s Life for Me

Captain Jack Sparrow.

I recently decided to watch all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies back to back. I wasn’t sure what to expect. It was either going to be a hell of a lot of fun, or so bad that I’d wind up strangling myself with a belt. I saw these in the theater upon their initial releases, and haven’t seen them since. All I could remember was Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, wearing makeup, and acting quasi-gay. To make matters worse, these were all very popular, and, like Transformers 2, popular things are often horrible. Not to mention, it’s a film series based on a ride at Disneyland/World. There were a lot more things going against this trilogy than going for it. But, as I always say, sometimes you just gotta shit your pants, and — wait, that’s not it — how does that saying go — oh nevermind, let’s just get on with the review.

The Curse of the Black Pearl

Jack Sparrow: Gentlemen, m’lady, you will always remember this day as the day you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

Norrington: That is, without a doubt, the worst pirate I’ve ever seen.

The first of the series, from 2003, is certainly the strongest of them all. It has a fun vibe running through it, and it doesn’t give a shit if you don’t like it. One of the most interesting things about this movie is that Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is not the main character. The two main leads are Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley). Sparrow shows up from time to time and affects people and situations, but he isn’t integral to the plot. He has his own motives, and sometimes they align with the heroes and sometimes with the villains. Interestingly, he is also the comic relief of the film, not so much as he’s written, but due to Depp’s quirky portrayal. His introductory scene, where his tiny boat sinks but he still manages to step gracefully onto the dock was pretty damn funny. 

Reasons Why Predator is Better than The King’s Speech

The Fight of the Century.

I recently finished watching the Academy Award winning film, The King’s Speech. For those of you who have lives and don’t follow this kind of thing, this movie won awards for Best Actor, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Picture. Apart from that, it won a shit-ton of awards from all the other award shows that year. Hollywood has to have award shows monthly, because they need to continuously validate what they do for a living. Honestly, these people contribute nothing to society. Go ahead and tell me that the people who made Transformers 2 are adding things of cultural importance.

So, in order to satisfy their egos and justify getting paid millions of dollars for three-months of work a year, they need to give each other shiny metal statues. Somehow that tells them that yes, they are important. Not only that, they won this award, which means they are more awesome than they had previously realized! Here’s how a typical award presentation works.

Presenter: And the Jizzie award for Best Actor goes to, Douchey Guy!

Douchey Guy (feigning surprise): Wow, I can’t believe I won!

Presenter: Out of all the actors this year, you recited lines someone else wrote for you better than anyone else!

Douchey Guy: This is a tremendous honor.

Presenter: Who would you like to thank for this prestigious award?

Douchey Guy: My manager, my director, my mistress, my therapist, my tax attorney, my other therapist, my personal trainer, my wife, my kids, and Jesus.