Posts Tagged ‘hollywood


The Bourne Mediocrity (AKA Jason Bourne 5)

Thirty minutes in, and right after a major action sequence, I checked my watch to see how much time was left in this movie. I grimaced when I saw there was still another ninety minutes to go. Jason Bourne, the fifth film in the series, is yet another one of Hollywood’s ill-advised attempts at resurrecting franchises. Instead of wowing, it falls flat on its face, and makes you wish they had stopped with the third film.

The fundamental problem with Jason Bourne is it’s a film stuck in the past. The original trilogy is undeniably phenomenal. It is one of those rare “perfect trilogies” that never makes a misstep. Expanding the series beyond that meant there was nowhere to go, and they would be doing nothing but rehashing old concepts.

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Happy (Shitty) Eight Year Anniversary

I’m two days late on my anniversary post this year. In fact, I completely forgot about it. So, I don’t have much of a post this time around. Mostly, I’m amazed that this shitty blog has kept on going for so long. I actually finished medical school and residency, got married, and had a kid in all that time. It’s pretty crazy stuff. The only reason this probably works is my once-per-week posting. If I posted daily, I’d burn out, and this blog would end up in the great trash heap in the sky. As always, I’d like to thank the people who stop by to read and comment regularly. This venture wouldn’t be half as much fun without you. Will Awesomely Shitty make it to year nine? Well, Hollywood will keep making shitty movies, so probably yes.


Jur-ASS-ic World

I finally got around to watching Jur-ASS-ic World the other night. My lovely wife got me the Jurassic Park complete collection on blu-ray. It was a very thoughtful gift. A nice box set of four movies, and only one of which is any good. Well, that’s what I thought anyway. So, we sat down to watch the Chris Pratt starring reboot, expecting the worst and hoping for, well, not the worst.

It turns out Jur-ASS-ic World is actually pretty good. Of the four films in the series, it’s the second best after the original. The creators of this film managed to do something that most of today’s reboots are incapable of doing: feature nods to the original but do not slavishly adhere to old tropes so much that they create a remake. *coughStarWarscough*

The story is pretty simple: the new theme park, the aptly named Jurassic World, actually opened to the public. People have been able to visit real dinosaurs for years, and nobody has been eaten. It’s a roaring success, and in order to stay a success, the theme park has genetically engineered a new attraction so the masses won’t get bored with the same old dinosaurs.

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Happy (Shitty) Seven Year Anniversary

I’m sitting at the computer, and I’m feeling exhausted. I’m trying to drum up the energy to write another anniversary post. I can’t believe I’ve been writing this blog for seven years. Sure, it seems like it’s on life support sometimes, but somehow it has chugged along.

Awesomely Shitty can’t die no matter how hard Hollywood or I try. At this point, this blog is a mythological creature like a vampire or a Terminator or John McCain. It’s unbelievable that it has lasted for this long.

My favorite part of this blog is all the cool people I’ve met over the years. Maybe we haven’t actually met and had a beer together in real life, but meeting online is still a form of meeting. There are great regulars who never fail to drop by and leave a comment even though I’m too lazy to comment on their websites. I love all of you.

And there are the jackasses, too. The ones that think I’m an idiot because I didn’t like their favorite anime, or I’m too immature to understand art-house cinema, or I’m a virgin because I didn’t like Red Dead Redemption. But I write the blog for them, too. I get a kick out of how furious people get over words (opinions) on a computer screen.

I’m glad that people read this blog and get a reaction of some kind. That’s the whole point. Why would anyone read a blog that loved everything or only gave synopses of movies without an opinion?

Sometimes my posts are funny, and I’m glad I made you laugh and brightened your day for a few moments.

I write this blog for everyone, but mostly I write it for myself. I’d like to think I will keep writing it until I die. And who know, maybe I will? But probably not.

In all honesty, I don’t know how many more posts this blog has in it before it joins the thousands of others that will sit on the WordPress servers, defunct, until the end of time.

Here’s to seven years of Awesomely Shitty, and who knows how many more!


Guardians of the Galaxy Took a Shit on the Universe

The latest mega-blockbuster from unstoppable Marvel Studios was Guardians of the Galaxy. People hailed it as the greatest cinematic achievement since the introduction of the talkie. It was heralded as the best movie of the year. It had everything: action, adventure, comedy, and wonder. It also had a giant sentient tree and a talking raccoon. Let’s face facts here, people. Guardians of the Galaxy was passable summer fare. It wasn’t revolutionary, it didn’t do anything that hasn’t already been done before. It was an average, braindead, popcorn movie that doesn’t have a lot of rewatch value.

I say Guardians is braindead because it requires no active thought on the part of the viewer. All the audience is required to do is sit back, relax, and DURR WATCH DEM EXPLOSIONS BLOW STUFF UP REAL GOOD DURR! As you start to curl your hands into angry fists, take a second to think about that last statement. Try hard to think of a single scene in Guardians that challenges your brain, has a plot twist, leaves something ambiguous, or posits a viewpoint that might challenge your deeply set beliefs about morality or cultures or relationships. Guardians doesn’t do anything close to any of that. All it does is blow shit up.

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Fuck your cinematic universe

This is a movie I never want to see.

OK, we need to have a talk. A serious talk. Why don’t you sit down over there?

*takes deep breath*

I heard you were doing something you shouldn’t be.

*holds out hand to stop a response*

I know, I know, you were probably just experimenting. And that’s OK. When I was your age, I experimented with stuff, too. You’re young, and you want to explore the world. Maybe you want to experiment with the same sex, or drugs, or a different religion. You know what? That’s OK. That’s how you discover yourself and become the person you are going to be as an adult.

*crosses arms over chest*

But there is one thing you should never experiment with. Something that, if you get involved with, can lead you down a very dark path. You might never come back from it.

*narrows eyes*

I heard from a friend of yours, that you…


…were thinking of starting your own cinematic universe.

Continue reading ‘Fuck your cinematic universe’


Green Lantern: Best or Worst Superhero Movie? (Answer: Worst)

Holy shit, even the poster is 100% CGI.

In a time when superhero movies are all the rage, and they gets lavished with great casts, shitloads of money, and decent writing, you would think that Hollywood would have this down to a formula. But, nope, they don’t. That much is evident with Green Lantern. This movie is a colossal piece of shit starring Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, a dopey guy who gets omnipotent green mist powers…or something. Green Lantern falters every step of the way.
Reynolds’ character is paper-thin. Reynolds pretty much plays himself, as he does in every role, a handsome, wise-cracking, irresponsible, self-centered jerk with a heart of gold. His act has grown tiresome, and watching him cavort around on screen yet again is exhausting. His girlfriend, Blake Lively, is nothing more than a generically pretty, but vapid, and incredibly unbelievable higher-up in a multi-national aircraft corporation. While Reynolds at least has his typical manic energy, Lively sleepwalks through the movie. Every time she showed up, I felt myself drifting off.

October 2016
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