The Nice Guys, Pan

The Nice Guys

Director/screenwriter Shane Black has been having a bit of a career renaissance lately. With Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3, he’s quickly falling back into favor with Hollywood. In case you don’t remember who Black is, he’s the Christmas-obsessed mind behind gems like The Last Boy Scout and Lethal Weapon. He’s generally regarded for razor-sharp dialogue and eschewing standard movie tropes.

The Nice Guys is his latest effort. It’s a retro film, taking place in the 70s, starring Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe. And, as you’d expect, it has all the trappings of a Black movie, like the crazy dialogue, two main characters who hate each other, and a precocious wisecracking kid. It’s plays out like a neo-noir with a twisty plot, violence, and a little nudity thrown in for good measure.

Performances are generally good, and the directing is fine. Somehow, though, this movie didn’t really do much for me. The plot isn’t enthralling, and the twists can be seen coming a mile away. Plus, an extended, bumbling “hot potato” scene at the end is more aggravating than it is thrilling. Much of the dialogue is good, but an equal amount of it is rote, without any memorable lines whatsoever.

Overall, The Nice Guys is an OK film. I suppose I liked it. At least I didn’t actively hate it. But it doesn’t do enough to become an instant classic. It’s serviceable, and, fortunately, a non-superhero movie in an age of CGI bullshit.

Verdict: Average

Pan

Wow, what a huge piece of shit this movie is. To be honest, I’m at a loss for words how exactly to review this thing. It’s an exercise in atrociousness not seen since Transformers 2. There is literally nothing good about this movie.

It’s a prequel to Peter Pan, because Hollywood apparently thinks we need an origin story for everything. Peter Pan is fine on his own. We don’t need to know how he got to Neverland. We don’t need to know how he and Captain Hook used to be friends. We certainly don’t need to know how he is “the chosen one” to have magical bullshit powers or whatever the fuck. And we certainly didn’t need to hear Hugh Jackman crooning classic rock ballads in a fantasy setting against an all green-screen backdrop.

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Verdict: Shitty

Logan: The Spoiler Review

Hugh Jackman’s final (until he gets paid all the money to return) outing as Wolverine has finally hit theaters. So far, it is both a critical and commercial success. With a bleak tone, incredible violence, and a definitive ending, we finally have been treated to the first truly great X-Men film.

Taking place 12 years from now, Logan’s future looks like a hellscape. One could be forgiven for thinking they accidentally stepped into a post-apocalyptic movie. With locations set primarily on the U.S.-Mexico border, the film’s vistas are mostly desert wastelands. This mirrors the inner narrative that Logan’s life has been wasted on violence, leaving him with nothing to show for it. That’s not to say the film can’t be beautiful at times. In fact, the forlorn landscapes evoke their own stark beauty thanks to some wonderful cinematography.

Once again, mutants are on the run, hiding from humans who wish to wipe them out. Humans have perfected a gene therapy technique that has caused all mutants to either lose their powers, or find they have become unstable. Professor X can barely control his telepathic powers, and is reduced to taking seizure meds to subdue them. Logan’s healing factor has slowed substantially, causing him to take much longer to recover from injuries, and making him almost mortal.

X-Men: Dayz of Futurez Pazt

Cool poster, X-dudes.

The newest X-Men film combines the casts of the original trilogy and the prequel film, X-Men: First Class. Wolverine’s consciousness is sent back in time from the distant future to 1973 where he must help Professor X and Magneto stop an event that will ultimately lead to the genocide of all mutants. I watched the original trilogy as a lead-in to this movie, mostly because I hadn’t seen them in ages, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be totally lost without a recap. Fortunately, you don’t really need to have seen the previous movies to enjoy Days of Future Past.

With that being said, I would still recommend watching First Class and the original trilogy just to get a sense of who the characters are, and to better understand their relationships and what drives them. Days of Future Past can be viewed as a standalone, and it holds up surprisingly well, but for maximum enjoyment, you’ll want to be versed in as much X-Men movie knowledge as possible.

First, the good.

1.) The movie is tightly plotted, and the story moves along at a good pace. While there are plenty of moments for dialog and reflection amongst the characters, there is never a dull moment.

2.) The acting is top-notch, with good performances on both sides of the temporal schism. All the older actors like Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, and Hugh Jackman fit comfortably into their well worn characters. McKellan is, sadly, given very little to do in this film, and it seems like a waste of his talents. But hey, he’s a part of this franchise and he and Stewart are SUPER BEST FRIENDS, so he might as well be in it. The younger actors turn in better performances, and James McAvoy, whom I usually find to be mediocre, actually surprised me. Professor X’s grief is dramatic and convincing. Of course, Michael F. Assbender is fantastic as the villainous Magneto. Jackman is present with both casts, and, once again, he is perfect as Wolverine.

X-Men Trilogy

X-Men

We love to wear black leather.

The first X-Men film is often credited with starting the resurgence of the superhero film genre, that is to say, treating the source material with respect and still crafting a great movie. I’d say it was Blade, two years earlier, but apparently I’m the only person who saw that one. Looking back on the original X-Men, it hasn’t aged well. Sure, there are many good points about it, but overall it’s pretty damn weak. The cast is probably the strongest aspect: Patrick Stewart looks like he came right off the pages of the comic as Professor X, Hugh Jackman is pitch-perfect as Wolverine, and Ian McKellan has the right amount of charm and menace to pull off Magneto. The rest of the cast also turns in good performances, like Sookie Stackhouse playing Rogue and Famke Janssen as Jean Grey.

The problems of the movie come with the story. There is a ton of groundwork to be laid, introducing the audience to the intricacies of the X-Men universe. Mutants are explained, anti-mutant governmental factions are explained, Professor X’s school is explained, Magneto and Professor X’s rift is explained, hell, the entire movie is a huge chunk of exposition. The story is told to the audience through the eyes of two newcomers, Rogue and Wolverine. While this was good to explain things, they spend too much time explaining. By the time everything is explained, the movie is in the final act. It almost seems like the setup to the X-Men movie rather than the actual movie itself. The plot, with Magneto trying to convert every human to a mutant is a little ridiculous, and seemingly not something you’d expect the first time out. It seems like this should have been used in a later story (like a subsequent film); it feels intangibly out of place here.

I’mma Cut You (The Wolverine Review)

While the X-Men comics have emphasized the team aspect of the superhero group, the X-Men movies more or less eschewed that in favor of making Wolverine the main character. Nerdlingers the world over have been upset by that, but, honestly, it makes the movies better. Wolverine is a top-tier superhero, the general public knows who he is, and he’s fucking cool. If you were going to focus your film on any of the X-Men, Wolverine would be the most logical choice.

It only makes sense that after three team-based movies, Wolverine would get a few solo efforts. The first one, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, was a giant smelly turd. Everybody hated it. Hugh Jackman remained a complete badass in the role, but everything else was total shit. After the movie failed, it seemed like everyone involved decided to take a few years off from the whole X-Men franchise. Finally, 13 years after the first X-Men movie, Wolverine is back, and once again starring in a solo effort. So, how was it?

Sexman Monday: Wolverine

“It’s just, it’s just awesome.”

“…it’s just hard.”

But calling Fox clever? Come on, Sexman, you know they are a bunch of retards.