Posts Tagged ‘Jason Statham

24
Jun
17

Redemption (Hummingbird), Pitch Perfect 2

Redemption (Hummingbird)

Jason Statham tried and failed to stretch his acting chops in this woeful 2013 movie. He plays a homeless former soldier who barely scrapes by on the streets. He steals the identity of a random rich dude, and starts living the high life. He eventually gets involved in the underworld, and gets to the requisite martial arts antics. The movie’s insipid plot barely has a pulse. Nothing makes a lot of sense. That would be OK if the action was great, but it isn’t. The fights are lackluster, only to be followed by huge swaths of nothing happening. It’s like no one involved in this production was even interested in trying. Statham tried to do a good job, but his work ethic doesn’t elevate this turd of a film.

Verdict: Shitty

Pitch Perfect 2

I thought the first movie was terrible, and somehow the sequel manages to be even worse. The a capella group from the first film returns, and are living comfortably in a sorority on campus. Unfortunately, they botched an important performance. As a result, the school is going to disband the group, and dissolve the sorority if they don’t win the mysterious, and totally not fake International A Capella Competition. Obviously, whoever wrote this giant piece of shit has no idea what college is like. What college would dissolve a sorority because their singing group wasn’t any good? Anyway, the movie is horrible. There were absolutely no jokes that worked, the songs were trite, the singing was as engineered as fuck, and nobody does anything remotely interesting. Naturally, they win the competition because it’s a shitty movie. Apparently, there’s going to be a third one of these coming out soon, so god help us all.

Verdict: Shitty

 

16
Jan
16

Homefront, The Descendants

Homefront

The screenplay for this movie was written by Sylvester Stallone about 10 years ago. He put it on a shelf, and when he finally dusted it off, he realized he was too old to play the part. So, it got handed to Jason Statham who stars in this abysmal failure of a movie.

Statham stars as an ex-Interpol undercover agent or some stupid shit. He infiltrates a biker gang with the worst toupee I’ve seen in a long time. After taking them down in one night, he retires and settles down in the Deep South. Two years later, his badass daughter beats up a bully at school. The bully’s mom gets mad and hires her brother Gator (played with aplomb by James Franco) to get revenge. He, in turn, tells the biker gang where Statham lives so they can get revenge.

The whole movie feels like a setup. It’s like a trailer for a movie that never happens. You keep waiting and waiting for something to happen but it never does. The bikers finally show up when there are only about 15 minutes left. Statham kills them and saves his daughter. That’s it. Everything that came before was all a lead up to that, but there was no sense of dread or suspension or anything else. Nothing happens for the first hour and a half except for two really horrible CGI explosions.

Stallone left the script on the shelf for a reason. He should have realized that he didn’t make it 10 years ago because it sucked. Too bad his poor judgment got the better of him.

Verdict: Shitty

The Descendants

George Clooney plays the head of the King family, a wealthy white family in Hawaii. The rest of the family has squandered their inheritance, and they pressure Clooney to sell their undeveloped land in Kauai to hotel developers so they can continue their lavish lifestyles. Meanwhile, Clooney’s wife winds up in a coma, and he learns that she was having an affair.

The movie is a dramedy with heavy doses of drama and light bits of comedy sprinkled throughout. The story really works and, despite being about rich people, is highly relatable. We all have dysfunctional family members, and we all have faults. This movie portrays real people in a realistic way that makes them into easy touchstones for the viewer.

Clooney expertly maneuvers his way through the chaotic family. His acting skills are in top form as he is able to switch from drama to comedy with ease and not make the changes jarring.

The Descendants is an expertly written and directed movie. The lush Hawaiian setting makes for a nice change of pace, as well. It’s a great dramedy, one of the best examples of the genre. It is definitely worth checking out.

Verdict: Good

19
Apr
14

The Big Gundown, Safe

The Big Gundown

“OK, Eastwood, this time I’m the star.”

Lee Van Cleef stars in this 1966 spaghetti western written and directed by Sergio Sollina. This is one of the more popular spaghetti westerns outside of the films made by Sergio Leone. Van Cleef plays a weird character, Corbett, who is a U.S. Senator and the best bounty hunter in the West. Um, what? I do like the idea of a Senator who isn’t afraid to take care of things on his own, but honestly, this idea makes no sense. Why the fuck would a Senator also moonlight as a bounty hunter? Isn’t he already busy enough in Washington? And shouldn’t he be there to do the job he was elected for? A more interesting movie might have featured Van Cleef playing a bounty hunter who tracked down politicians involved in illegal activities (i.e. all of them). Anyway, Van Cleef is tasked with capturing Mexican criminal Cuchillo, played by Thomas Milian. He tracks him across the U.S. and into Mexico. The events play out as a battle of one-upmanship with each character turning the tables on the other several times. There are a couple of memorable action scenes, and a fantastic soundtrack by the legendary Ennio Morricone. Van Cleef is great as ever, with a stoic, screen-filling presence, and a likeable ruthlessness about him. Milian holds his own, taking a more comical approach, and he becomes endearing as the bad guy. Near the end of the film, a greater threat rears it head and Van Cleef and Milian must join forces. The finale was pretty cool, but ended too abruptly for my tastes. Overall, this is a very good spaghetti western. The directing isn’t quite on par with that of Leone, but then again, Leone’s skill was unmatched. If you like the genre and haven’t seen this one, it is definitely worth checking out.
Verdict: Good
Safe

“Don’t worry Soon Yi, we’ll get you back to Woody Allen.”

Safe is a 2012 film starring Jason Statham as a former cage fighter who must protect a young Chinese girl from the mafia. Not only is Statham an ex-cage fighter, but he’s also an ex-cop. He’s probably also an ex-SAS operative and ex-MI-6 and ex-James Bond considering how skilled he is and how he never loses his cool. They piled on way too much for his character to be even remotely believable. Either ex-cage fighter or ex-cop would have been enough. Not both. The story is pretty basic: a Chinese girl who happens to be a math genius is kidnapped from the mainland and brought to the U.S. to work for Big Trouble in Little China’s Lo Pan. It’s not quite clear what they have her do, but they are really evil, so that’s enough for the audience to hate the bad guys (and wasn’t this plot already used in Bruce Willis’ movie Mercury Rising?). But wait! There’s more! The girl is kidnapped by the Russian Mafia because they want to exploit her, too! And then it turns out that the Chinese Triad and Russian Mafia are both in cahoots with the NYPD! ZOMG! There’s so many levels! It’s like Inception! My head practically exploded with all the ridiculous and unnecessary twists and turns in the story. The movie is basically about Statham protecting the girl and killing limitless bad guys in the process. They move from Point A to Point B, kill Triads or Mafiosos or dirty cops, rinse and repeat. In the end, Statham has to kill some random bad guy who doesn’t even show up until like 70 minutes into the 90 minute running time. How exactly was he supposed to be the final villain? There was no payoff whatsoever for the audience. I think that the most bizarre part of this movie is how the Russian Mafia and Chinese Triad run New York City. The cops are afraid of them, and they are a menace, gunning down innocent people in broad daylight. While I’m sure these guys are not to be trifled with in real life, I find it completely absurd to think that they have the manpower and resources to hold the entirety of New York City hostage. Give me a fucking break.
Verdict: Bad
05
Nov
10

4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 3 – JAWSBUPS

 

The Four Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse

For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.

Horseman numero tres is none other than JAWSBUPS. Wait a second. Who the fuck is JAWSBUPS? Well, it actually isn’t a single director. It is an amalgamation of three small time, but horribly inept directors. Alone each of them is relatively harmless, but put together they combine to become the Voltron of shitty movies. JAWSBUPS breaks down to the original initials J.S., P.W.S.A., and U.B. Those initials stand for Joel Schumacher, Paul W. S. Anderson, and Uwe Boll.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “BUT BRIK THOSE GUYS HAVE MADE SUM GOOD MOVIES YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT LOL!” You may feel like they have made some good movies, but you’d be wrong. Your memory is playing tricks on you. Let’s take a closer look at their combined efforts: Continue reading ‘4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 3 – JAWSBUPS’




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