My Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi Review (Guess What, I Didn’t Like It)

Reviewing Star Wars films objectively is an impossible task. They have baggage. Whether it’s preconceived notions of how the audience thinks events should unfold, or whether it’s just getting a glorious nostalgia bomb, no one is watching these films objectively. No critic and no fan can watch these films with a completely open mind. Many of us weren’t even alive when the first one came out, so Star Wars has always been with us. That being said, I’m going to try to lay out my thoughts on the newest film in the series, Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi. I’ll probably do a terrible job, and you’ll probably think I’m a virgin moron, but hey, let’s give it a shot anyway.

The greatest crime a film in a franchise can commit is rehashing things that were already done. Case in point, Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens was little more than a remake of the first Star Wars film. Sure, it had a few cool moments, and yeah Kylo Ren was a good villain, but generally it was a giant waste of celluloid. The Last Jedi, at least, is not a remake of any of the other films in the series. Because of this, it is automatically a better movie than The Force Awakens. But does that mean The Last Jedi is a good movie? No, far from it.

The Last Jedi suffers from terrible plotting issues, pointless scenes, useless characters, woeful editing, gaps in logic, dumb humor, and it still cribs from the original trilogy. I suppose most of the blame should lie with Rian Johnson. The instant the movie ended, John Williams’ score boomed into the theater along with the text that said, “Written and Directed by Rian Johnson.” So, since he’s taking full credit, he should also get full blame.

Star Trek Beyond My Expectations

Brikhaus Prime: The 2009 rebooted Star Trek film has held up pretty well over the years. Sure, it has an overabundance of lens flares, but the story, acting, and special effects hold up. Plus, the inclusion of Leonard Nimoy as the original Spock was a clever touch for longtime fans. It’s amazing they waited seven long years to finally make a sequel. Considering how well this did at the box office, one would think Hollywood would try to cash in by making a hurried, cheesy, ill-advised interim film. Oh well, it’s good they didn’t, because Star Trek Beyond is out now, and it keeps the franchise moving ahead full-steam.

*** Interdimensional Rift explodes. ***

Brikhaus Omega: Stop! You’re wrong! There was another film!

Brikhaus Prime: What? Who the hell are you?

Brikhaus Omega: I’m you! From an alternate reality! Our two dimensions are merging, and it could mean the destruction of the entire universe!

Brikhaus Prime: That sounds bad.

Brikhause Omega: It is bad! But not as bad as Star Trek Into Darkness!

Brikhaus Prime: Star Trek Into what?

Brikhaus Omega: Darkness! The second film! The remake of Wrath of Khan!

Brikhaus Prime: *laughs* Why would they remake Wrath of Khan? That’s the most revered film of the entire franchise. That would be an obvious cash-in to just remake the movie that’s the most — oh, I see…

Star Trek Into My Heart (of Darkness)

The Enterprise will crash and burn, just like this movie.

In case you haven’t noticed, there is a new Star Trek film out in theaters. It’s called Star Trek Into Darkness, but it should have been titled Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan Shitty Remake Turbo Edition. It’s basically just a redo of the earlier film, but lazier and dumber. It has all the trappings of a big-budget Summer Shit-Spectacular, and none of the thoughtfulness or intelligence of a good movie. As a world famous blogger, I interviewed all of the main people involved in the creation of this movie. I have included excerpts from my interviews for your reading pleasure.

Interview #1 – Chris Pine

To boldly go where no eyebrows have gone before.

Me: Thank you for meeting with me today, Chris.

Pine: You’re welcome.

Me: Tell me about your approach to playing Captain James T. Kirk.

Pine: This first thing I like to do is really get to the core of the character. I do this by making goofy faces. I try to look drunk or constipated as much as possible. My face is actually quite rubbery, and doesn’t look at all natural. Kind of like a melted latex mask. I think it helps me as an actor.

Me: Is that where your giant eyebrows come in?

Pine: Oh yeah, definitely. The bushier the better. My eyebrows are a lot bigger than William Shatner’s. It’s a sign of virility.

Me: What do you have to say to people who feel that you aren’t Captain Kirk? What I mean is, that you were horribly miscast. That you don’t look, sound, or behave in any way like the original character?

Pine: I tell them “thank you.” I come from a long line of actors in remakes who don’t bother to pay attention to the source material. I think it really elevates it, you know? The original character, who is beloved from the TV series and film series, is not something people want to see respected. After all, this strategy worked really well for Steve Carrel in Get Smart and Will Smith in Wild Wild West.

Me: I think Chris Hemsworth, who plays your character’s father in the 2009 film, would have been a better choice for your role.

Pine: You mean Thor? Nah, he doesn’t have the eyebrows for it.

Me: What did you think about Kirk’s relationship with Spock in this movie?

Pine: I wanted to kiss him.

Me: Kirk and Spock wanted to kiss?

Pine: No, I mean I really wanted to kiss Zachary Quinto. He’s totally hot. I want him.

Super 8 Super Sucked (AKA The Nostalgia Whore)

Apparently, everyone was cumming in their pants this summer over the new Spielberg movie, Super 8. Why? It can’t be because Spielberg is still relevant, because he’s not. The dude hasn’t directed a good movie since 1998. People act like he’s some kind of fucking omnipotent god of the cinema, but the reality is he just makes corny shit. Now I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK HE MAKES SUM GOOD MOVIES AND TEHY ARE TOTALY FUN AND AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOOT LOL!” Nothing in that statement is even remotely true or makes any sense. Let’s take a look at Spielberg’s filmography as a director from the last 10 years:

1. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) – Boring shit that would have been better directed by Kubrick.
2. Minority Report (2002) – Midget-sized Tom Cruise kidnaps some bitch and goes on the run.
3. Catch Me If You Can (2002) – Boring unfunny comedy.
4. The Terminal (2004) – Boring undramatic drama.
5. War of the Worlds (2005) – Unnecessary remake of a movie about aliens who decimate the Earth, but didn’t think to bring space suits and don’t have any knowledge of immune systems.
6. Munich (2005) – zzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz
7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – Teamed up with childhood-raping expert George Lucas to make this unnecessary sequel.
8. War Horse (2011) – Gay.
9. The Adventures of TinTin (2011) – Motion capture shit about some fucking French comic serial from the 30s-60s that no one cares about.

Spielberg built up a lot of street cred by making fun movies in the first phase of his career. He parlayed that into making serious films, which earned him critical acclaim in the second phase of his career. The third phase of Spielberg’s career has consisted of him jerking off while wondering what obscure shit from his childhood he can turn into a movie.

You see, now that he has a fanbase and a shitload of money, he’s just said “FUCK IT” and moved on to making self-indulgent masturbatory films for the benefit of no one. Go back and look at that list and tell me that even one of those movies is any better than mediocre. You can’t. Spielberg just isn’t trying anymore. He has so much goddamn money that his hunger and drive and desire to challenge himself and his audience is gone. He’s become so complacent that he’s incapable of directing something with soul or at the very least a good script.

Fringe – Seasons 1-3

Fringe title screen.

Most television shows cater to people with moderate to severe mental retardation. As a result, I don’t watch a lot of television. When you are constantly bombarded with crap like: The Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: Antarctica, CSI: NCIS: SVU: Los Angeles, Gray’s Anatomy, Jersey Shore, everything on the CW, and the fifty Kardashians reality shows, there is hardly any reason to turn on a television. Fortunately, I found a reason to watch TV again, the sci-fi series Fringe.

When this began airing in 2008 I figured it would be nothing more than an X-Files rip-off, so I completely dismissed it. Since that time it has garnered a cult following, as well as some critical acclaim, but has stagnated in the ratings. It was recently picked up for a fourth season, but only just barely. It was nearly canceled. Being someone who inevitably gets hooked on unpopular series that get canceled without a proper conclusion, (e.g. Twin Peaks) I decided to check this show out.

Star Trek: The First Generation

I checked out the new Star Trek movie this weekend, being brave enough to even go on opening night. When I say brave enough, I mean I had to take two extra Xanax’s just to be able to spend that much time so close to other people. I don’t do well in public places.

I had fully intended to wear my Ferengi costume, but my fellow Trekkers said that since Ferengis were never in the original series I wouldn’t be canon. They were right. Sadly, I went with the tride and true, but overused, Klingon costume. While waiting in line we got in an argument about which Starship Enterprise was the best. Clearly, the NCC-1701-A was the best, but those other, retarded Trekkers were trying to convince me that NCC-1701-E was better. Just because it has new phaser banks and torpedo launchers, plus it can be piloted by a joystick doesn’t mean it’s good. Come on, it can’t even do a saucer separation like the NCC-1701-D! How could anyone think that is cool?

Once I got up to the ticket counter, I realized I had forgotten to put my wallet into my costume, so my “friend” had to buy my ticket. My “friend” is the same individual that thinks The Menagerie counts as one episode, even though the Wikipedia entry clearly states that Parts I and II have different air dates. It’s like he just put his head in the sand and ignored the experts. Anyway, my “friend” did buy my ticket, but he wasn’t able to get the student discount for me since I didn’t have my Student ID. He had to pay full price, and expects me to pay him back for it. He and I both know that I am a student, so I don’t see why I should have to give him $9.50, when the student rate is $7.00. Idiot.