Ouran High School Pimp Club

Ouran’s pimps.

Ouran High School Host Pimp Club is a 2006 “reverse harem” anime. What’s a reverse harem, you ask? Well, a “harem” anime is where one meek, bashful, skinny male loser is surrounded by a boatload of busty, horny women who are all vying for control of the guy’s penis. A constant source of rage is the fact that the guy never gets with any of the girls, usually because he’s a pussy.

A reverse harem anime is just the opposite. One female character is surrounded by a bunch of dudes who all want her. Upping the ante is that these anime often feature a lot of man-on-man action in order to appeal to the female viewers watching the show. Apparently, all women are into watching gay sex.

The main character of this anime is Haruhi Fujioka, a 15 year old girl who has just entered Ouran Academy. It’s a school for super rich kids who are completely sheltered and spend most of their days doing rich people stuff like: travelling the world, buying expensive shit, getting no legal reprimand from DUIs, exploiting tax loopholes, yachting, opening up child-labor factories in third world countries, and repressing the poor in order to get rich. But I digress…

Akagi – The Gurren Lagann of Mahjong Anime

Akagi is a badass.

Akagi is a 2005-2006 anime series about Mahjong. But it’s not really about Mahjong. It’s about kicking ass. And it’s about doing it in a way that mindfucks the enemy.

Akagi is a really difficult series to talk about. It’s hard to quantify what it is exactly. It’s simplistic yet complex. It’s subdued yet exciting. It’s superficial yet incredibly deep. It’s like a shounen fighting series yet it isn’t. What Akagi does extremely well is present itself in a certain light, only to change that presentation in the midst of watching it. You don’t realize things are changing. There isn’t any abrupt bait-and-switch tactic. It moves quickly and subtly, and so deftly that your perception of what is happening can change without you realizing it until much, much later.

So, what is Akagi about? On the surface it features the titular character, Shigeru Akagi, as he plays Mahjong against various opponents. But it’s not about playing Mahjong. It isn’t about strategy or tactics or cheating at Mahjong. Hell, it isn’t even about winning Mahjong. It’s about how Akagi is able to delve into the psyche of his opponents, discover their weaknesses, and exploit them in order to triumph. From the onset you know Akagi is going to win, there’s no question about that. You are watching Akagi to see how he is going to win. This series is really more about the means rather than the end.

Heat Guy J – Surprisingly Good

Here is a list of reasons why you would think Heat Guy J sucks:

1. The title is Heat Guy J.
2. It aired in the U.S. on MTV2.
3. It has girly character designs.
4. It has people with wolf heads.
5. It has a lot of filler episodes.
6. Nobody has ever heard of it.

Despite these apparent shortcomings, Heat Guy J is actually a high quality series. Let’s take a look at those problems and see if they are actually problems or not.

First of all, the title. Heat Guy J. What the fuck does that mean, anyway? It’s a reference to the android character, J, and the fact that when he’s in action he builds up a ton of heat (get it, heat guy, lololololol, sigh, I know…) and needs to expel it at various points. Sounds dumb? Not really. It works well in the context of the series, and it isn’t like the title is all that bad considering it’s anime. The title does actually reference something in the series. It isn’t some crazy-ass, nonsensical title like  I My Me Strawberry Eggs, Fruits Basket, Sumomomo Momomo, Pumpkin Scissors, XXXholic, Tantei Opera Milky Holmes, Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo, and… well, you get the idea. Overall, a title like Heat Guy J actually refers to the titular character, and isn’t completely fucked. Verdict: not a problem.

Mononoke vs. Bakemonogatari

Mononoke's badass Medicine Seller

Usually, I don’t like to do side by side comparisons of anything. I try to judge every movie, TV show, book, album, game, or anime on its own merits, and not judge it against another subject in the same genre. Just because two anime might fall into the same genre doesn’t necessarily mean they should be given a direct comparison. However, after recently watching these two series, I found that they have so much in common, I can’t help but compare them.

I’ve been in a major anime slump lately. Everything I have watched I have either dropped from sheer boredom, or found the show to be a complete and total pile of shit. I had been checking the usual sites for episodes of new (and old) series that I had never seen before. One night I watched the first episodes of Tatami Galaxy, My Hime, Mononoke, and Bakemonogatari. They were all chosen completely at random with only the knowledge that other people had recommended them. I really had very little concept of what any of these series were about. Mononoke and Bakemonogatari piqued my interest the most, and I continued to watch them.

Every time I sat down for a viewing I would watch an episode of Mononoke followed by an episode of Bakemonogatari. It worked well as the former series has 12 episodes and the latter has 15. Coincidentally, I discovered that both series fell into the same genre, had similar formats, similar subject matter, and even shared a voice actor, Takahiro Sakurai, who played the wise Medicine Seller in Mononoke and the wise Meme Oshino in Bakemonogatari.

Gantz

Hurrrrr Durrrrr

Ah, Studio Gonzo. I see you are up to your old tricks again. While you certainly did a nice job with Last Exile and Welcome to the NHK, you decided to return to form with Gantz. And by return to form I mean, produce really shitty anime. So, what is Gantz, you ask? That’s kind of a tough question. Let me see if I can answer it for you.

Gantz is about two guys who try to outrun a subway train. Last time I checked, subway trains can go a lot faster than a person. Why they got in front of the train is not important. In fact, any thinking at all while watching Gantz is probably a bad idea. You might wind up giving yourself an aneurysm or something. So, anyway, the two guys get splattered by the train and die. Next thing we know, they are revived in some sort of quasi-afterlife. The afterlife has them participating in a game where they compete against other dead people to hunt down and kill aliens. If they can score 100 points, then they get to live a normal life again. Now that sounds all nice and good, but the whole aesthetic of the series takes on a creepy, S&M vibe.  The players dress up in black, skin-tight bondage gear. This fetish gear comes with lots of guns, further emphasizing the pain aspect of S&M. There is a gigantic black ball gag (which, sadly, is too large to fit in anyone’s mouth) that doles out the guns and names of the targets to be killed.

Happy (Shitty) Two Year Anniversary

Somehow I’ve managed to keep this blog afloat for two years. To those of you out there who read it, thanks for the support. I plan on keeping it alive until either I get bored or shut down by The Man, because The Man liked Transformers 2 way too much to let me keep on writing about how it sucked. So for now until some unknown time in the future, I’ll keep posting really shitty reviews of things I hate (and sometimes love). After all, this is the best/worst blog on the Internet. Happy (shitty) two year anniversary, Awesomely Shitty!

Reasons Why Elfen Lied Rules

 

This image had to replace the original, more awesome one. It featured a naked chick killing people in fountains of blood. Photobucket removed it because they are pussies.

1. Gratuitous violence – I haven’t seen any other anime, TV show, or movie that has as much violence as Elfen Lied. Seriously, buckets of blood are spraying everywhere. There are tons of decapitations, not to mention the severing of limbs, and the punching of holes through torsos. When the Diclonius get pissed off, you’d better watch out. No one is safe. Everyone is a target. I love that the violence crosses the line. You keep thinking that it will hold back, but it doesn’t. And the best part is that the show doesn’t look back. Every episode has geysers of blood splattering everywhere, and the Diclonius are complete unremorseful about it. Not a lot of characters make it through to the end. In the first episode the show tricks you into thinking this cute, ditzy girl will be a primary character. Nope. She gets killed very quickly, and then Lucy (the main character) uses her corpse as a human shield against a torrent of machine gun bullets. Badass. The fight scenes are all essentially massacres. They aren’t dragged out over multiple episodes like so much shonen garbage. Instead, they are quick, bloody, and brutal.

Amazing Elfen Lied cosplay.

2. Violence against women – The Diclonius are mostly women, and there is a lot of Diclonius vs Diclonius action. This means girls are fighting each other, which is hot in itself. They don’t wrestle naked in a mud pit, but they do get naked quite a bit during their fights. Any time these girls battle, they kick the crap out of one another, and it rules. But the women don’t get all the fun. Even the main guy, Kohta, bitch slaps females when they get hysterical. He hits his cousin, his sister, and anyone else with two X chromosomes who is within slapping range. It’s actually very refreshing, as in most anime all the female characters go into histrionic rants constantly and no one ever shuts them up. But Kohta does. Nobody knows how to shut up a woman faster than Kohta, except for maybe Sean Connery.

Kaboom! Splat!

3. Violence against children – The creators of Elfen Lied were really not fucking around when they decided to make the most hardcore series ever. I can’t think of any story in any medium where children are brutalized so much. They get beaten, molested, sliced in half, and tortured. Kids attack other kids in school. The Diclonius kill kids. Hell, even the adults get in on the kid-crushing action. The villainous Bandoh beats up a poor, defenseless human girl for information. Scientists launch cannon balls at kids, and even the motherfucking police gun down Lucy when she was just a little girl. Awesome.

This is the only picture I could find with the dog in it.

4. Violence against animals – If anything is taboo in storytelling, it’s violence against animals. Fucking PETA have brainwashed society at large. It’s so bad that in any movie or TV show we can have humans destroyed in a blaze of genocide and no one blinks, but god forbid the cute horsey gets hurt! These goddamn hippies even got up in arms when the contestants on the reality TV show Survivor were eating rats for sustenance. What the hell were they supposed to do, starve to death? Jesus. Well, this show told those stinky hippies to go to hell. In a flashback scene we see Lucy’s dog held down and bludgeoned to death, and the perpetrators all thought it was hilarious. They were even saddened when the dog died too soon. Of course, Lucy’s revenge that comes soon after is bloody goodness. Damn, Elfen Lied is so metal.

Pic related. Get it? Related.

5. Incest – The only other good anime series I can think of that showed incest was Shakugan no Shana. The Incest Twins were constantly making out, and I imagine they were fucking behind the scenes as well. Kanon came close by teasing us with the possibility of hot incest. Of course it pussied out, and the asshole protagonist in that series ended up choosing a comatose girl instead of going for some sweet cousin-on-cousin lovin’ (oops, spoilers!). Anyway, Elfen Lied doesn’t hold back. Kohta’s female cousin makes it quite clear that she gets wet for him. She is constantly getting mad any time he so much as looks at another girl. She makes a move and makes out with him, and being the super stud he is, he makes his own move on her later. Although we only saw them kissing, we can all guess what it led to. Kohta also manages to make out with Lucy, who also wants him. While this would seem harem-ish (e.g. Tenchi Muyo, Love Hina) you have to remember that Kohta is actually kissing these girls, so Elfen Lied already rises above those typical harem shows. They probably had a giant orgy at the conclusion of the series.

The costume designer really pulled out all the stops for this show.

6. Nudity – Nudity is always better than no nudity. Here we get tons of nudity. Lucy wanders around naked for half the series. Nana is naked for practically all of her fight scenes. Mariko gets in on it, too. Honestly, I’m surprised that more of the female characters didn’t get naked. Nudity rules, and so does Elfen Lied. If you didn’t like this series, then you just weren’t manly enough to handle it.

Verdict: Good

20 Shittiest Anime of the Decade (2000-2009)

I’ve seen me lots of animu in the last decade. I started watching this stuff in late 2001, and it’s ruined my life ever since. That being said, I felt it was my obligation to impart upon you the fact that there are terrible anime out there. Sometimes it seems like it’s all moeblobs and slice of life bullshit. I’m not sure if anyone else has done this yet, so I’m giving you my list of the 20 Most Shittiest Anime of 2000’s. Keep in mind that even though I have ranked these, they are all equally shitty. My list probably won’t sit well with the slice of life fans or the moe-loving fapboys, but rest assured these anime all need to be sent directly to hell.

Dishonorable Mention) Most Pointless Award – Rebuild of Evangelion – Why Hideaki Anno, why? You impressed us with Gunbuster, you further solidified your directing talent with Nadia, and you amazed us with your opus Evangelion. After that you did… well, not really anything. You went on to make a bunch of really shitty live action movies. You failed and failed and failed. You weren’t able to succeed in the mainstream, and that’s OK. But when you returned to the world of anime, what did you do? You decided to make A MOTHERFUCKING REMAKE of your biggest cash cow. Hmmm. Out of ideas already? Apparently so. Either that, or you wasted all of your money on full body Asuka pillows and mosaic screened Japanese porn. Now, I will agree that Rebuild of Evangelion was extremely well made, but it was also extremely pointless. Evangelion was by far one of the most incredible anime of all time. And remaking it is retarded at best.

Dishonorable Mention) Worst Director Award – Mamoru Oshii – To all the fans of Oshii… fuck you. This guy is terrible. He’s a horrible director. He has no concept of pacing or intriguing storytelling. There is an old writer’s guideline that says, “Show, don’t tell.” Basically, it means you should describe what’s going on, and not just say that it happened. It provides for a much richer experience for the reader. Oshii’s work is all flawed by the same problem. He “tells” and doesn’t “show.” He wants to bring up philosophical ideas, and his method of doing that is by having two talking heads spout off paragraphs of dialogue at each other for huge chunks of time. This could potentially work in a book format, but in film, which is a visual medium, it fails miserably. Immediately, this becomes boring to all but the most insane Oshii-loving otaku. I swear to god, Oshii fans are practically a cult. To them, Oshii is like Jesus and he can do no wrong. He could film himself taking a shit, and his fans would call it the greatest piece of cinema to ever grace the earth. The truth is, 99% of everything he has put to the screen is garbage. Oh, and Oshii, nobody gives a fuck about Basset Hounds, so stop putting them in all your goddamn movies.

Kanon – Faggy Anime Defined

Kanon's cast of assholes

There is a growing subgenre of anime that I like to call “faggy anime.” What is faggy anime, you ask? Well, it’s simple. Kanon is faggy anime. Clannad is faggy anime. Air is faggy anime. Basically, any series with over the top moe, a heavy romance theme, or a show that is based on a dating sim is faggy anime. Usually, these series feature a bunch of extremely well endowed high school girls who are totally shy, and all secretly like the protagonist. The thing that pisses me off about these shows is that they go into “cute overload.” They toss all conflict, drama, and any aspect of decent story telling to wind. In their place, they put a bunch of cute shit everywhere. The protagonist has the choice of any girl he wants (kind of like me in real life), but of course he is always too much of a pussy to act on it (unlike me). This rings especially false since 99% of anime feature high school students, and you know that a real life high school boy would be hitting that shit in a fucking second. But he doesn’t do that. He just can’t decide which girl he likes best. This is probably because he is actually gay. But let’s not over-analyze this stuff. Over-analyzing anime can lead to brain damage. It makes me sad that anime used to be the bastion of hard core violence and tentacle rape, but now it’s just a glut of moe shit.