Posts Tagged ‘Michael Fassbender

19
Feb
18

Slow West, The Salvation

Slow West

Slow West is a pretty good title for this movie. Boring West would also work. It was helmed by Scottish director John Mclean who barely understands the genre. The film’s languid pacing makes this 84-minute film feel three times as long. The characters are barely characters at all, merely one-dimensional constructs for lurching the plot along incrementally. The only action scene comes at the end of the movie, and the main character retardedly throws himself into a bullet and dies. Michael F. Assbender stars in this, and it was the only reason I gave it a chance. The movie sucks, and even though he’s a good actor, he couldn’t save it. Westerns without a story or at least without a charismatic character are pointless. They thrive on personal drama, punctuated by violence that has come after slowly building suspense. Slow West delivers none of that, only the slowness.

Verdict: Shitty

The Salvation

The Salvation is about a Danish immigrant who travels across the old west. I liked this angle, because there were a lot of immigrants in this period of U.S. history, and until now they have been left out of the story on the silver screen. Mads Mikkelsen plays a former Danish sharpshooter who immigrates with his family, only to have tragedy strike at the hands of ruthless gang members. What follows is a dual tale of revenge, with gang leader Jeffrey Dean Morgan attempting to get revenge on Mikkelsen, and Mikkelsen attempting to get revenge against the entire gang. Morgan is completely over-the-top with his scene chewing, and almost ruins the movie, but manages to keep it reined in enough to not lose it altogether. Mikkelsen is pitch-perfect as a man-on-fire looking for vengeance, but who is also smart enough to know he needs to keep his cool in order to survive. I liked that he prefers a rifle over a revolver, which is a different choice for the genre, and set the action scenes apart from genre standards. Eva Green is underutilized as Morgan’s girlfriend, but she has a great scene at the end. The biggest problem is the movie doesn’t feel like a real, lived-in world. The town feels like a set, and none of the characters are fleshed out except for Mikkelsen. You don’t really get fully absorbed, and always know you are watching a movie. The Salvation has plenty of action, and will satisfy any fan of the genre. It’s worth a look, especially for Mikkelsen’s performance, and the fact that it’s a modern western that isn’t boring.

Verdict: Average

 

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23
Jan
16

Shame Should Be Ashamed of Itself

The movie Shame is a nihilistic, pseudo-intellectual garbage bag of a film. It’s one of these movies that thinks if it’s about something controversial, that alone will be enough to make it good. Well, it’s not. You can’t just make a movie about sex addiction and have it automatically be good. It still requires all the other components of good movies: plot, acting, directing, pacing, etc. You can’t just film Michael F. Assbender’s giant dong and expect people to automatically love the movie.

One person may look at a nihilistic movie and declare it to be utterly brilliant. For me, just being nihilistic doesn’t make it good. Shame is a crushing black hole of bleakness without any attempt at having a message or moral or even a fucking theme.

Continue reading ‘Shame Should Be Ashamed of Itself’

23
Aug
14

Centurion

Mute Bond Chick, Assbender, and McNulty all in the same movie? Sign me up.

Michael F. Assbender is a favorite of mine. From his smoldering good looks to his suave English accent to his constant Assbending, he can do no wrong. Not even starring in Centurion can be considered a wrong move. No, despite the movie being a terrible mess, Assbender still comes out like a shining diamond. No matter how much the movie sucks, you can never find fault with Assbender.
Centurion takes place in ancient Roman times, and focuses on a group of Romans who are struggling to hold Britain against the barbarian hordes (i.e. British people). Naturally, all the Romans speak with English accents, completely confusing the matter. Assbender is taken captive at an outpost and later rescued by his comrades.

Continue reading ‘Centurion’

21
Jun
13

Haywire, Louie Season 2

Haywire

She looks better with her hair covering her face.

What do you get when you cross Ocean’s 11 with The Bourne Identity? A steaming pile of shit, that’s what. This 2011 movie was written by Lem Dobbs whose previous work included such gems as Dark City. It’s directed by Steven Soderbergh who filmed the aforementioned Ocean’s movies. Haywire is about a beautiful female spy (is there any other kind?) who gets betrayed on a mission and has to go on the run. 90% of the screentime is dedicated to Mallory (played by Gina Carano) avoiding capture by spies or police. At times she must outwit them, and other times she must beat the crap out of people. This is exactly what happens in all the Bourne movies. The espionage angle and the fights are portrayed realistically, just like in the Bourne movies. However, unlike the Bourne movies, this movie eschews madcap pacing necessary to build tension and keep viewers interested. Haywire insists on being slow and methodical, even during chase scenes. Mallory doesn’t seem particularly in a hurry even though everyone wants to kill her. For example, after she kills the man who was supposed to assassinate her, she takes a shower, does her makeup, and makes a phone call before vacating the premesis.

Carano, a former martial artist turned actor, is headlining in her first major motion picture. Her acting, as expected, is just as good as any former martial artist turned actor: shitty. You could easily replace her with Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal, and get the same caliber of wooden line delivery. The only difference is that Carano has a pair of tits, so I suppose that makes her better than those other guys. Soderbergh does a terrible job directing. Clearly, he wishes he had been a movie director in the 1970s. All the framings, the zoom-ins and zoom-outs, random use of black and white, and weird lens filters scream 1970s. Hey, guess what, Soderbergh? We aren’t living in the 1970s. Get over it. You can’t make a Bourne movie and film it like an Ocean’s movie. It just doesn’t work.

Haywire happens to have a pretty good cast, including Awesomely Shitty favorite Michael F. Assbender, Channing “C-Tates” Tatum, Ewan McGregor, Bill Paxton, Antonio Banderas, and Michael Douglas. Sadly, the good actors (Douglas and Banderas) get the least amount of screen time possible. The majority of the film is taken up by the people who suck at acting, namely Carano and C-Tates. Lastly, the story is goddamn retarded. The double-cross against Mallory makes no sense. If the bad guys hadn’t involved her in the first place, their plan would have totally worked. Let’s not forget how Mallory, who is a fucking spy, has a bad case of verbal diarrhea, spilling the entire events of the movie to a hostage who looks like the poor man’s version of James McAvoy. Why did she do that? It is a narrative device, obviously, but they could have just as easily told the story through a flashback, and not made Mallory look so stupid. All in all, this movie sucks ass. The lethargic pacing, the crappy acting, the faux-70s directing, and the fact that Soderbergh just can’t handle the material all make this movie a big ole turd.

Verdict: Shitty

Louie Season 2

Louie doesn’t look too thrilled to have his own TV show.

The second season of Louie continues the harsh, honest, and hilarious look at the titular comedian’s life. After watching two seasons of the show, I realize that it doesn’t really conform to the typical narrative structure you see anywhere else. It is mostly a series of vignettes in the life of Louis C.K. If anything, you could say it is a bunch of disconnected short stories that can be pretty horrifying, but Louis somehow manages to extract humor from them. Although the first season was amazing, I think the second season was consistently better. Every episode was memorable, or at least had memorable parts. The two highlights for me were the episode where Louis meets comedian Dane Cook and they talk about Cook having been accused of stealing Louis’ jokes, and the hour-long episode where Louis inadvertently takes a duckling to Afghanistan while performing a few USO shows for the troops. Incredibly, the show manages to be extremely high quality with Louis taking on acting, writing, directing, producing, and editing duties. If he isn’t a one-man production team, then I don’t know what is. Season 2 continues the greatness of the first, and is highly recommended.

Verdict: Awesome

15
Feb
13

Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (And Other 80s Dance Movies)

Dance Dance Revolu– wait, nevermind, that didn’t exist yet.

One time, in a state of delirium, I thought it would be a great idea to watch dance movies from the 80s. Apparently, dancing was all the rage in the 80s. There were exactly 15,335 dance movies made between the years 1980-1989. So in my state of delirium I watched Flashdance (incomprehensible), Footloose (“When I get angry I just have to dance!”), and Dirty Dancing (The Swayze). All of these movies are terrible. Even though I was delirious I could still tell they were terrible. They are so bad they are likely to replace waterboarding as the next form of government-sanctioned torture interrogation.

This movie is all wet.

A lot of times movies will be derided for having “no plot.” Usually this is a slight exaggeration because even movies with “no plot” somehow get from Point A to Point B. Very little may happen, but most times there is at least some minuscule semblance of a storyline. Flashdance, however, truly has no plot. Absolutely nothing of consequence happens in this movie. It’s provisionally “about” a young, beautiful female steel welder (I can’t tell you how many hot lady steel welders I’ve met in my life) who aspires to be a ballet dancer. The best way she knows to achieve this goal is to go to a dive bar at night and “flash dance.” Flash dancing is kind of like stripping/spazzing-out on-stage, but not actually getting naked. The audience seems to really get into it. Apparently, having attacks of epilepsy on-stage is super erotic. At one point, she pulls a cord and water drops all over her body. Eventually, she auditions for a ballet school, but runs away, realizing she has no talent. That’s right. That bitch has no talent as a dancer at all. Watching her thrash around on-stage for 50 minutes of the 95 minute runtime was excruciating. It’s like this movie is just a bunch of music videos strung together with the most paper-thin character imaginable. They should have just made a movie out of a bunch of music videos. That would have at least made sense. In the end we don’t learn if she gets into the ballet school or not. It’s not important. It doesn’t matter because there is no plot. This movie is an abortion of storytelling coherence. Continue reading ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo (And Other 80s Dance Movies)’

20
Jul
12

Prometheus is Retconned Crap

The Prometheus poster references better movies.

Prometheus marks the long-awaited (by fans, at least) return of director Ridley Scott to the Alien movie franchise. No doubt he’s a great director, and he launched a well-loved series of movies, which later branched off into comics, toys, video games, etc. Unfortunately, the Alien series as a whole is filled with more trash than a landfill. Let’s take a brief look:

  1. Alien (1979) – Awesome.
  2. Aliens (1986) – Awesome.
  3. Alien 3 (1992) – Fucking terrible, depressing, prison setting, generally retarded.
  4. Alien Resurrection (1997) – One of the hokiest pieces of shit ever put to celluloid.
  5. Alien vs Predator (2004) – Directed by one of the 4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse, Paul W.S. Anderson, need I say more?
  6. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007) – Still fucking terrible, but at least it embraced its idiocy and went full out with death and mayhem.

So, out of six movies, only two are good. I’m surprised they kept making these things. They must have made a lot of money, because I’m sure people weren’t out there comparing this shit to Casablanca. At least they nailed two of the three R’s of shitty franchise sequel titles: Resurrection and Requiem. The only one they are missing is Redemption. I’m sure Alien Redemption is somewhere on the horizon.

When it was announced that a new Alien movie would be made, there was a collective groan across the internet, as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. That groan became a cheer when Ridley Scott came on board as the director. At last, we would get another good Alien movie! It only took 27 years! Continue reading ‘Prometheus is Retconned Crap’

15
Jul
12

Happy (Shitty) Four Year Anniversary

Four years already, huh? That’s a long time filled with a lot of insults. If this blog was a four year old human, it would be able to do a lot of stuff by now, including:

  • Cooperates with other children –> there is a blog roll on the side of the page
  • Talks about interests and disinterests –> that much is obvious
  • Can’t tell the difference between real and make-believe –> that would explain my unadulterated rage
  • Knows basic rules of grammar such as “he” or “she” –> in light of the “irregardless” post, I’d say this is a yes
  • Can sing a song or poem such as “Wheels on the bus” –> at least this involves singing
  • Tells stories –> such as the Tale of the iPhone
  • Can say first and last name –> you mean “Awesomely” and “Shitty”, right?
  • Knows the names of some colors and numbers –> as long as they are black, white, red, orange, and blue – and let’s just forget the whole numbers thing
  • Understands the idea of counting –> Transformers 1, Transformers 2, Transformers 3, etc.
  • Uses scissors –> but only to cut out pictures of Michael F. Assbender and put them on my wall
  • Plays board or card games –> do drinking games count?
  • Hops and stands on one foot for two seconds –> too lazy to try
  • Catches a bounced ball –> too lazy to try
  • Can pour own drinks –> for the aforementioned drinking games

Wow, it’s just like this blog is a real person! So, happy (shitty) four year anniversary to me! Until next time, amigos (fuckos).




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