Sandra Bullock in Space Made Me Shit My Pants

Gravity poster

I’m a little slow at getting around to new movies. I just don’t see the point in wasting $10 to see an overwrought, cliche piece of shit at the first-run theater. So, Mrs. Brik and I almost always wait to see stuff in the second-run theater. We spend a hell of a lot less money, and if the movie turns out to be shitty, it doesn’t feel like much of a loss. Gravity, like so many others, was a movie we waited to see in the second-run theater. That was a mistake. It was well worth the full admission price. I wish I had seen it sooner.

Gravity is less of a film and more of an event. It’s a massive spectacle that keeps you glued to the screen. You get completely lost in it. The typical things you expect in a film, like music, sound effects, character development, are thrown out the window. Gravity is like no other film before it. It is so different than other movies, you can’t judge it in the typical fashion. You don’t watch Gravity, you experience it.

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Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2012

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2012. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

Awesome

1. U.S. Presidential Election – Two years ago today, someone left a comment on the Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2010 that said, “I wonder how the author would feel when Obama loses in 2012.” Well, I’ve been waiting a long time to answer this question, simply because I had to see who won the 2012 Presidential Election. Since Obama won, I guess we’ll never know how I would feel in the event of his loss. Nevertheless, his win was a glorious victory for socialism, comrades! Anyway, the 2012 Presidential Election was amazing because it gave us such great moments as Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair, Paul Ryan loving to pump iron, Obama telling people if they had successful businesses, they “didn’t build that”, Romney saying how he had “binders full of women”, Obama blowing a huge lead, Romney having a vendetta against Big Bird, Obama completely fucking up the first debate, and Romney mentioning that “47%” of Americans are slovenly assholes who are completely dependent upon the teat of the government. This was a hilarious race from start to finish.
2. Jenny Johnson – Jenny Johnson is a twitter comedian who you can follow by looking her up at @JennyJohnsonHi5 and I highly recommend you do. She tweets the greatest non-sequiturs I have ever seen on the Internet. For example, “I thought by the time I was a successful 34-year old adult, I’d be tired of putting people’s yard reindeers in sex positions. I was wrong.” or “There are two kinds of women in the world, those who don’t wear makeup to the gym, and those who let guys cum on their faces.” or “Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try to contact her dead grandma on a Oujia board.” She writes all sorts of inappropriate and sexually explicit jokes. The best part about her is that she often replies to tweets from Kim Kardashian and Chris Brown. A few months ago, there was a very heated argument between Brown and Johnson. Brown used all his courage gained from his extensive years of women-beating to essentially tell Johnson he wanted to take a dump in her eyes. Johnson, actually being intelligent had plenty of comebacks for him. By the end of it, Brown was so butthurt he quit Twitter. Jenny Johnson put that piece of shit in his place. She’s my Internet hero (apart from myself, of course).
3. Mars Curiosity Rover – Curiosity landed on Mars on August 6, 2012. Its mission was to traverse the planet and collect data about the Red Planet from the biological to geological and more. In a short amount of time, we have already learned a number of new things about our interplanetary neighbor, all thanks to Curiosity. This could one day lead to the colonization of Mars. And, hey, if that gets us one step closer to banging hot alien babes, then I’m all for it.
4. Higgs Boson (maybe) discovered – I’m told that this is a super amazing scientific discover that will help us better understand how our universe works. I think. Well, to be honest, I always sucked at Physics, so I will have to take the scientists’ word for it. This was all made possible thanks to the Large Hadron Collider which made the 2010 Awesome List. I’m still waiting for the right atom to get smashed which will lead to the complete destruction of the universe.
5. Call Me Maybe – This Carly Rae Jepsen song was a mega-hit in the summer, and is still getting pretty frequent playtime on the air. It’s catchy as Hell. It’s a light pop song meant to be nothing but pure entertainment. So, I should hate it. But I don’t. No matter how hard I try, I just end up liking it even more. So, fuck you. Don’t judge me.
6. Jesus Painting Restoration (Ecce Homo) – The greatest most unintentionally hysterical artistic achievement of 2012 came from Spain. A small church had a 19th-century fresco of Jesus which was in need of restoration. Not knowing any better, the church hired 80-year-old amateur artist Cecilia Giminez to restore it. Unfortunately, she completely fucked it up. The image of Jesus changed from Savior of Mankind to vaguely-apelike-apparition-with-a-Zoolander-mouth. Her fuckup made international headlines, and became a hilarious meme all at once. The highlight of the story came when tourism in the town increased exponentially, and the church began to charge people to view the fresco. Ms. Giminez then sued the church to get a cut of the profits for all her hard-earned work.
7. Louie C.K. – Anyone in their right mind would nominate this guy for comedian of the year. He has the funniest show on TV, and is the funniest comic working today. His brand of humor manages to seamlessly blend comedy, drama, and reality. His ability to dig jokes out of everything from racism to masturbation to war to even more masturbation is the reason why he is a comedic genius. He goes where no one else will, and still manages to come out with great jokes every time. If you haven’t seen his show, or at least his recent SNL hosting gig, then you need to check him out.
8. Weekly (almost) Posts – Mrs. Brik advised me to try and shit out a post every week for the blog. Admittedly, I missed a week here or there, but for the most part, I posted something weekly. Obviously, this is a good thing because it kept the site more up to date, and you lucky readers (yes, both of you) got imparted with even more of my profound wisdom. Just don’t expect anything more than one post a week. The effort alone would probably kill me.

Shitty

1. U.S. Presidential Election – The problem with the 2012 Presidential Election was that you couldn’t avoid getting constantly bombarded by it. Every radio station, TV channel, magazine, and website were bearing some kind of election advertisement. Hell, I think the hookers were being sponsored by some candidate or another. Of course, we got great stuff from smaller races like the whole “legitimate rape” business, which just proves that the Republican Party is still the preferred political party for misogynistic assholes everywhere. Ultimately, the worst part of this race was that it solidified that candidates must pander to all sorts of scumbags in order to win a vote. The two party system is broken. All this election did was to prove that it didn’t matter who got elected. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
2. Almost every movie from 2012 – Joyful Noise, Haywire, Redtails, Underworld 17, One for the Money, Big Miracle, The Vow, Ghost Rider 2, Act of Valor, John Carter, Mirror Mirror, Wrath of the Titans, The Three Stooges, The Raven, The Avengers, Battleship, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, Prometheus, Rock of Ages, That’s My Boy, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Madea’s Witness Protection, The Amazing Spider-Man, Savages, Ice Age 24, The Watch, Total Recall, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, Hit and Run, The Cold Light of Day, Resident Evil 70, Looper, Taken 2, Here Comes the Boom, Alex Cross, Paranormal Activity 32, Twilight Breaking Dawn Baby Vampire Fetus Falls in Love with a Werewolf Part 9, Red Dawn, Playing for Keeps, Jack Reacher, and The Hobbit. Whew. That’s a lot of shitty movies. The only new releases I can remember liking were The Dark Knight Rises and Skyfall. I hope this year Hollywood will try a little harder.
3. We Can’t Eat at Chick-Fil-A – In June, the COO of Chick-Fil-A made a statement against gay rights. He had been using proceeds from the restaurant to support legislation against gay marriage. Apparently, this had been going on since 2009, but didn’t hit the spotlight until last summer. Afterwards, nobody was allowed to eat at Chick-Fil-A anymore. Yeah, the chicken was dry, flavorless, and borderline grotesque, but the waffle fries were fucking amazing. Goddammit, Society! Are you trying to tell me that just because the COO of Chick-Fil-A is a homophobe, I’m no longer allowed to eat delicious waffle fries? In the immortal words of Jenny Johnson, “I’m gonna do my part and feed Chick-Fil-A waffle fries to a tranny through a glory hole today.”
4. 2012 Summer Olympics Opening/Closing Ceremonies – The 2008 Summer Olympics in China had the greatest Opening/Closing Ceremonies of all time. Literally thousands of people were moving and playing instruments in perfect synchronization. It’s something only the Chinese could accomplish with their amazing groupthink and natural martial-arts/flying abilities. The follow-up took place in England and was a massive fucking disappointment. Nobody expected them to top the Chinese, but it was seriously terrible. It featured a bunch of douchebags reciting Shakespeare and wearing top hats in an industrial revolution setting. ZZZzzzZZZzzz. To make matters worse, it wasn’t even that well executed. I asked my wife to wake me up when it got interesting, and guess what? I slept through the whole thing.
5. A Bunch of Shooting Rampages – Seriously, guys, what the fuck is going on? There were a billion mass shootings in the U.S. this year. Excluding the killers themselves, 81 people died in 13 separate events around the country. This kind of shit is ridiculous, and clearly things are spiraling out of control. We need two things to happen. First, the ban on assault weapons needs to be reinstated. It lapsed in 2004. There is no reason the NRA can justify the sale of fully automatic weapons with 30-round clips. That’s bullshit. All that shit needs to go. Second, this country needs to start taking the role of mental healthcare seriously. If someone is crazy, they need help. That’s the only way to really prevent these things from happening. The shooters aren’t just “evil”, they are mentally ill. And they could be treated so violence on this scale can come to an end.
6. Elmo is a Child Molester – Elmo has been a fixture of Sesame Street since the 1970s, but rose to prominence in the 1990s with puppeteer Kevin Clash. This year Clash was accused of having molested an underage boy. Pretty much everyone ignored it and gave Clash the benefit of the doubt. After all, Micheal Jackson slept in beds with little boys and never touched them, right? So why should Clash be any different? Then another boy came forward, and Clash resigned from Sesame Street. People started to think, “Eh, maybe he did it.” And then three more. OK, so it looks like Clash totally did molest all those kids. I can just imagine him feeling up those kids using his creepy Elmo voice. That’s more horrifying than all of  my worst nightmares combined.
7. 50 Shades of Grey – When Twilight was super-popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves had cover-art that copied the artistic style of the Twilight books. Now that 50 Shades of Grey is popular, every romance or teen-centric book on the shelves has aped its cover-art style. If you thought Twilight was bad, well, 50 Shades is 50 times worse. I shit you not, it began as Twilight fan-fiction, written by someone using the moniker Snowqueen Icedragon. It’s about BDSM. Yeah, that’s right, it’s an incredibly popular fan-fiction about sexual sadomasichism. So, the next time your mom yells at you for finding porn in your room, just tell her it’s no different than her leaving a copy of 50 Shades on the coffee table.
8. End of the World Didn’t Happen – Obviously, the world wasn’t going to end on December 21st, 2012. It didn’t end in the year 2000, and it didn’t end every other time somebody went around spouting doomsday prophecies. The most ridiculous part was that the Maya didn’t predict the end of the world. Rather, their Long Count calendar ended on that date. And, naturally, a bunch of modern-day morons took that to mean the end of the world. Since the world is still around, we get a thousand more years of human idiocy to come.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2013 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.

Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2011

Last year I wrote a list of the Awesomest and Shittiest Things of 2010. I thought I would do it again for 2011. Last time it was a struggle to find just 10 things for the Awesome category. It was an even greater struggle to limit the Shitty category to a mere 10 entries. So it goes. I’m writing less this year, mostly because I don’t give a fuck. I guess 2011 was extra crappy, huh? Check it out:

Awesome

1. Occupy Wall Street – I like the idea of protesting those goddamn fuckos on Wall Street. Those fucking pigs take all our fucking money and the masses get fucking shit upon. It’s been that way since the dawn of civilization. The have-nots are always going to be jealous of the haves. At least some people are letting it be known that they’re pissed off about it. The U.S. population is usually so goddamn complacent, that Wall Street’s behavior is considered OK because nobody says anything about it. I congratulate this group for protesting, and I hope they are successful. Fuck Wall Street.
2. Harry Potter Ended – And it ended well. They somehow managed to film all seven books, over a period of 10 years, and they kept the entire cast. Well, the original Dumbledore died after movie #2, but the guy they replaced him with was a million times better. I’m completely amazed that one of the kids didn’t die from a heroin overdose or leave after movie #6 to pursue “more artistic endeavors.” The Harry Potter films were cool, and they did a phenomenal job creating them. I’m glad they all turned out so great. One of Hollywood’s few non-fuckups.
3. Lego Man Appears from the Sea – In Florida, an 8-foot tall Lego man rose from the sea. He sported a green shirt that read, “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE.” The Lego corporation denied any involvement in this. But that’s not the end of the story. He washed up on a beach in England in 2008, and on a Dutch beach the year before that. Are these all the same guy, or perhaps a race of Lego Supermen with terrible grammar who are hellbent on conquering Earth? Whichever it may be, all I know is that if we are conquered, it’s going to be hard to not have a good time. Legos are super fun.
4. Arab Spring – A wave of revolutions, both peaceful and violent, across the Middle East has toppled dictatorial regimes. It’s excellent that after decades of suppression, the people can rise up and take control of their countries. Better to have a free country than one that is ruled by fear. Right, U.S. Republican Party? Hello? Anybody there?
5. Several End of the World Predictions Fail – American Christian radio-show host and lunatic Harold Camping predicted several times that the world would end in 2011. He prophesied that Judgment Day would occur on May 21 and The Rapture on October 21. Neither of which happened. He changed the dates to later in the year, and again they didn’t happen. He’s not exactly an expert on this kind of stuff because he predicted the exact same shit in 1994 and that didn’t happen either. I guess you could argue that the film debut of Chris Tucker in House Party 3 in 1994 was the apocalypse, but most people aren’t going to agree with you. (I would, though.) Anyway, now that it’s 2012, get ready for a boatload more failed End of the World predictions!
6. Cobra Goes Missing from the Bronx Zoo – In New York City, an Egyptian Cobra escaped from the Reptile House. Everyone promptly went apeshit, afraid of the imminent reptilian uprising. Snakes on a Plane no longer seemed like a far-fetched disaster movie. This was the real deal, man! Eventually, they found the snake, still in the zoo. All that worrying was for nothing. I hope that snake enjoyed his day off. Those zoo animals work really hard.
7. Charlie Sheen’s Meltdown – He’s got Tiger Blood in his veins. He’s not bipolar, he’s bi-winning. He’s an F-18. The only drug he’s high on is himself, which will melt your face off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Charlie’s my kind of guy. With quotes like that (and a million others just as good), how could he not be one of the awesomest things this year?
8. Colbert Super PAC – “Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.” Once again, Stephen Colbert proved that the U.S. government is completely out of touch with reality. A PAC (Political Action Committee) is a private group organized to elect officials or to influence public policy. Super PACs can raise unlimited sums of money from corporations, individuals, unions, etc. Members of the media are not allowed to participate, as their influence is too far reaching. Well, Colbert, who is a member of the media, successfully lobbied the FEC (Federal Election Commission) to allow him to form a Super PAC. He appealed to them in character, in the most smug, satirical manner possible. He stated he wanted to have a Super PAC so he could raise money for political ads and “normal administrative expenses, including but not limited to, luxury hotel stays, private jet travel, and PAC mementos from Saks Fifth Avenue and Neiman Marcus.” And they gave it to him. Bravo, Mr. Colbert.

Shitty

1. Occupy Wall Street – Even though the concept of protesting Wall Street Fuckos is totally awesome, the ways these dumbass hippies are going about it are all wrong. For example, Occupy Denver elected Shelby, a three year old border collie, to be its leader. The Colbert Report interviewed members of OWS, and (of course) Colbert picked the two biggest weirdos from OWS to be on his show. If they are any representation of the rest of the group, then I’m about to side with the corporations. Come on guys, you need to come up with at least one concrete demand. Otherwise, you’re just a bunch of homeless people sleeping in a park.
2. Royal Wedding – Prince Baldhead and Princess Whatsherface got married this summer. Everyone around the world was super pumped about it. Who gives a fuck? I’ve been to plenty of weddings, and 99 times out of 100 they are trashy, and waste a perfectly good Saturday. Why would anyone want to waste a Saturday watching a fucking wedding on TV? You don’t even know them. Get a life, people.
3. Japanese Tsunami – Japan got pummeled early this year with a massive tsunami which led to a near-nuclear meltdown. Japan is like a magnet for nuclear disasters. I guess that’s why Godzilla keeps attacking it. At least people recognized this as a major issues, and did something about it. If Japan got obliterated, then who would create all the shitty moe anime? Korea?
4. Arab Spring – Kind of like OWS, the Arab Spring turned out to be not so great in the long run. A lot of the peaceful protests turned violent, there was a civil war (perhaps more on the way), and now there is all sorts of religious persecution in the fledgling governments. Violent revolutions have a greater tendency to lead to violent regimes as opposed to peaceful ones. Who can really say what the end result of all this will be? But I do know that the Middle East remains completely fucked.
5. Republican Presidential Race – “OBAMA IS DESTROYING AMERICA! ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! GAY MARRIAGE IS DESTROYING AMERICA! PROSTESTORS ARE DESTROYING AMERICA! ONLY PRIVATE MULTI-NATIONAL CORPORATIONS CAN SAVE AMERICA! LET’S ELECT THE RICHEST CANDIDATE BECAUSE THEY’LL BE MOST IN TOUCH WITH THE AVERAGE AMERICAN! NO CANDIDATE WITH LESS THAN TWO MARITAL AFFAIRS WILL BE CONSIDERED FOR OFFICE! FLIP-FLOP ON THE ISSUES! LIE! THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY IS STIFLING BUSINESSES AND KILLING THE ECONOMY! DOWN WITH THE EPA! FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT! GRRRRR!”
6. Black Friday Now on Thanksgiving – Apparently, starting the sales at 4:00 AM isn’t early enough for some people. Over the years, as the sales inched earlier and earlier, I used to joke that eventually they’d start having Black Friday on Thanksgiving. Well, guess what? Black Friday now starts on Thursday. Now all the greed and blood-lust associated with the holiday season can get going one day sooner.
7. NASA Ends the Shuttle Program – How will I meet hot alien babes like on Star Trek if you guys shut down the shuttle program?
8. People Upset About Steve Jobs’ Death – Boo fucking hoo. This guy was a world-class asshole. He was a dick to his customers, and he treated his employees like shit. Yet people were crying in the streets over his death. I saw about a million fucking Facebook posts from my “friends” mourning him (they were all promptly removed from my friend-list). The dude was a complete dick. He made it onto the Shitty List from 2010. He ran his company like a fucker, and most of his employees hated him. Don’t go around acting like he’s the Jesus of computers, some martyr who should be worshipped now that he’s dead. Get over it. Go and be sad about the death of someone important, like Kim Jong-Il. *sniff* What will we do without our glorious leader? How can we go on? *cries*

Well, the year 2011 has given us plenty of awesome things, but way more shitty things. I suppose every year is like that. Let’s see what happens in 2012. I’m sure there will be no shortage of shit that will piss me off.