The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess game cover

Since I live in a perpetual timewarp and am unable to play/listen/watch/read anything recent, I typically spend my time playing catch-up, going through all the last-gen video games and movies that have been out on DVD for at least 3 years. That being said, I recently completed The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for the Nintendo Wii. Instead of writing a typical review, I thought it would be more fun to type up my thoughts during my playthrough of the game.

• Ordon Village – Oh great, another Zelda game that starts out using a sleepy village as a tutorial. I got to do all kinds of exciting things like talking to people, walking around, getting lost, learning how to herd goats, learning how to catch goats, and fishing. Fishing was the most annoying thing in the game. The motion controls really fuck it up and make it nearly impossible. I had to read three walkthoughs before I found one that actually explained how to physically manage the controls. Other than the two required fishing parts of the game, I never fished again. What a waste of time. When do I get the sword, anyway? 

Okami 2: Why Don’t You People Listen to Me?

Ok, so apparently people love crap. They must. There is no other explanation for why stuff like live-action Transformers, Kanon, Twilight, and every show on MTV are so popular. This love of shit spreads to every media, including video games. A while ago I wrote a completely even-handed review of Okami for the Wii. Despite my best warnings to you people, you didn’t listen. Despite horrible sales, you continued to write glowing reviews lauding the “merits” of this game, and guess what message you sent to the creators?

“LOL HEY CREATORS OF OKAMI TIHS GAME IS AWESOME YOU SHOULD TOTALY MAK EA SEQUAL LOL!”

And video game designers being the money-hungry whores that they are, decided to go ahead a make a sequel. If the first one didn’t sell, then the sequel will totally be a success, right? Now there is Okami 2, which is titled Okamiden. Typically, sequels will keep the best elements that worked in the original game, get rid of the aspects that didn’t work, and offer additional changes to create a new gaming experience. Is that what they did with Okamiden? No, of course not.

Did they get rid of the terrible Celestial Brush that never worked? No. Well, then they must have gotten rid of the monotonous side-quests of circling trees. No. Um, so they let you finally take recognition for being a god? No. So they must have changed up the repetitive combat system? No. Uhhh, is it a side scroller? Sorry, still no.