The Nice Guys, Pan

The Nice Guys

Director/screenwriter Shane Black has been having a bit of a career renaissance lately. With Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3, he’s quickly falling back into favor with Hollywood. In case you don’t remember who Black is, he’s the Christmas-obsessed mind behind gems like The Last Boy Scout and Lethal Weapon. He’s generally regarded for razor-sharp dialogue and eschewing standard movie tropes.

The Nice Guys is his latest effort. It’s a retro film, taking place in the 70s, starring Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe. And, as you’d expect, it has all the trappings of a Black movie, like the crazy dialogue, two main characters who hate each other, and a precocious wisecracking kid. It’s plays out like a neo-noir with a twisty plot, violence, and a little nudity thrown in for good measure.

Performances are generally good, and the directing is fine. Somehow, though, this movie didn’t really do much for me. The plot isn’t enthralling, and the twists can be seen coming a mile away. Plus, an extended, bumbling “hot potato” scene at the end is more aggravating than it is thrilling. Much of the dialogue is good, but an equal amount of it is rote, without any memorable lines whatsoever.

Overall, The Nice Guys is an OK film. I suppose I liked it. At least I didn’t actively hate it. But it doesn’t do enough to become an instant classic. It’s serviceable, and, fortunately, a non-superhero movie in an age of CGI bullshit.

Verdict: Average

Pan

Wow, what a huge piece of shit this movie is. To be honest, I’m at a loss for words how exactly to review this thing. It’s an exercise in atrociousness not seen since Transformers 2. There is literally nothing good about this movie.

It’s a prequel to Peter Pan, because Hollywood apparently thinks we need an origin story for everything. Peter Pan is fine on his own. We don’t need to know how he got to Neverland. We don’t need to know how he and Captain Hook used to be friends. We certainly don’t need to know how he is “the chosen one” to have magical bullshit powers or whatever the fuck. And we certainly didn’t need to hear Hugh Jackman crooning classic rock ballads in a fantasy setting against an all green-screen backdrop.

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Verdict: Shitty

Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet

Why does the Man of Steel wear so much Spandex, anyway?

BrikHaus

Man of Steel is the 2013 GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR reboot of the Superman franchise. And like its predecessors, it manages to soar to unseen heights of mediocrity. There are so many problems with this movie, when I think about them, my head spins. Instead of writing a coherent review with thematic flow, I’m just going to take a shit all over this post, kind of like the movie did to the audience.

First, we get a half-hour long battle with Russell Crowe fighting CGI bad guys while riding flying dragons from Avatar. I can’t recall Jor-El being featured so heavily in any other Superman film. But, fuck it, they managed to get the Gladiator himself, so they better just fucking use him, yeah? After what seems like an eternity of space battles, the movie finally gets to the goddamn point. Jor-El eats it, Superman gets sent into space, and Krypton blows up. Couldn’t they have done all that in, like, 10 minutes? Did it have to be a 30 minute extravaganza? I honestly thought I was watching the climax of the movie. And it’s all downhill from there.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Later, we get an interchange of present day and flashbacks. Henry Cavill plays Clark Kent/Superman. He is lost in the world, travelling from place to place, helping people, staying off the ra– HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT DUDE’S ABS! HE IS TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPED! I’M NOT EVEN GAY AND I HAVE A MAJOR BONER FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW! I THINK ALL THE WOMEN IN THE THEATER JUST SQUIRTED IN THEIR PANTIES! Eventually, Clark gets a job in Canada or someplace, and finds an ancient Kryptonian spaceship.

Awesome Christmas Movies

Bloggers like to post their top Christmas movies. The problem is their lists are always the same: A Christmas Story, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, It’s a Wonderful Life, Home Alone etc etc puke. Well, I thought it was time to give you a list of real Christmas movies. The kind that are festive, and really get you into the holiday spirit. These movies can be enjoyed by family and friends, and should be mandatory viewing annually. Let’s make a new Awesomely Shitty tradition. Watch and love these movies every year, or you can’t be my friend anymore.

12.) RED – Bruce Willis loves the holidays. You can really tell. With RED, as well as two Die Hard movies and The Last Boy Scout, he’s a guy that really embodies the Christmas spirit. This movie in particular tells us it’s never too late to get excited for the holidays. Although the main characters are all retired from their work as assassins, they get together for one last hurrah. Even though you may be an old grouchy Scrooge, you can get festive once again. It’s a positive message like that which makes this such a heartwarming film. A group of old friends reunite to kill people and blow shit up one more time. This movie gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

11.) Lethal Weapon – Kind of like Bruce Willis, screenwriter Shane Black must really love Christmas. So many of his movies take place during the holidays. This time around we get to see Mel Gibson playing a suicidal cop, as he battles with the villainous Gary Busey, who seems to be playing himself. There is plenty of mayhem as L.A. is ripped to shreds. It ends with a Christmas celebration. I suppose the entire movie (the murders and shootouts and near suicide attempts) is a metaphor for the insanity of the build up to Christmas. This movie is really deep like that.