Awesomest/Shittiest Things of 2014

It’s that time once again, people. Time to look back at the awesomest and shittiest things of 2014. As always, it remains a struggle to find things for the awesome category, and to keep the shitty category to a minimum. Check it out:

Awesome

1. I Procreated – Yes, that’s right, I procreated. Mrs. Brik and I have welcomed Baby Brik into the world. We are now evolutionarily fit. She’s a happy, funny, cute bundle of joy with the most discerning taste in films you’ve ever seen in a six month old. Expect a post from her soon.
2. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford – The crack smoking mayor of Toronto provided nothing but laughs this year. Whether it was being found drunk in public, running away from television cameras, or dancing in Canadian parliament, this guy was a parade of hilarity. I love the fact that he was an actual elected official. It’s a nice change from what we get in the U.S., the typical holier-than-thou, super-corrupt but pretending to be squeaky clean assholes. The fact that Rob Ford let it all hang out and didn’t seem to care was rather refreshing.
3. The Cool Pope – The head of the Catholic Church still has a lot of dusty old beliefs about homosexuality, women’s participation in the church, or any number of things. However, this pope has been pretty progressive, as far as popes go. He acts more like a regular guy and less like a reclusive king than any pope in recent memory. He is cool with welcoming unwed mothers into the church, he called for homosexual to no longer be shunned, he’s all right with contraception as long as it prevents spread of disease, he’s anti-poverty, anti-death penalty, and is pro-environment. He even stated that it is completely possible for there to be alien life, and he’d gladly baptize an alien. Sounds great to me. He’s trying to bring the world’s most craggy, immovable institution into the modern era.
4. China Anal Probes its Pigeons – As a part of China’s National Day celebration, they planned to release 10,000 pigeons over Tiananmen Square. Fearing a possible terrorist attack, each pigeon was inspected: under the wings, under the legs, and inside the anus. Now, if any terrorist has the capability to put high-grade explosives inside a pigeon’s butthole, he has an unparalleled dedication to his job. Also, I feel sorry for whomever had to stick their fingers inside 10,000 pigeon anuses. It seems like nothing good ever happens in Tienanmen Square.
5. New Zealand Man Fights a Shark – A New Zealand man was spear fishing with his friends when he was attacked by a shark. Being a crazy New Zealander, and probably using an enchanted sword, he stabbed the shark until it fled. When he got out of the water, he saw his leg was lacerated, so he did what anyone would do: stitch it up himself and go to a pub. He wrapped a towel around his bleeding leg while he continued to drink. Pretty baller move.
6. U.S./Cuba Relations Re-open – After 50 years of a pointless, idiotic policy of punishing Cuba for being Communist, the U.S. announced they are going to thaw the long-standing frosty relations. Cuba will again be a vacation destination, and a more valuable member of the international community. I’m sure cigar aficionados will also be thrilled.

Shitty

1. Everything about North Korea – The People’s Republic of North Korea has been a joke for years, but now they have reached the level of self-parody. Their leader Kim Jong Un leaves the spotlight for a month, only to be found later, hobbling around on a cane after an attack of gout and/or an eating binge. They hacked into Sony Pictures, leaked several films, and a metric ton of the executives’ correspondence, then threatened a 9/11-style attack on the U.S. if the film The Interview was release in theaters. It was released to way more attention than if North Korea had said nothing about it. The 9/11-style attack never happened. Finally, the U.S. government stated it would respond to North Korea’s hacking shenanigans in kind, with North Korea threatening an apocalypse if this happened. After their internet was shut off, North Korea called President Obama a monkey. That’s it. That was their big threat. North Korea is the national equivalent of the boy who cried wolf.
2. Russia Invades Ukraine – All hail glorious leader Putin! Comrade Putin, out of the kindness of his heart, decided to unite the people of Crimea and Russia by invading Ukraine. They innocently annexed Crimea just like Hitler innocently reclaimed Austria. Putin’s provocateur’s continue to battle it out with Ukrainian forces, and they even shot down a commercial jet. Putin denied all involvement, and, let’s be honest, nobody believes him for a fucking second, and he knows it. Russia has started a modern war they thought they could get away with it, but only alienated themselves from the rest of the world in the process. Thanks a lot, Tsar Putin.
3. The Colbert Report Ends – After 9 years on Comedy Central, Stephen Colbert ended his show. He will be taking over The Late Show on CBS once David Letterman retires. I’ve been a longtime fan of Colbert, and I’ve been watching his show since the night it premiered. I’m very happy for him. However, I’m also extremely disappointed. His show was satirical and subversive, and provided humorous, intelligent discourse into the affairs of the world. Colbert could get away with anything from testifying to Congress about migrant workers, bashing President Bush to his face, and creating his own Super PAC. If his own network told him not to do something, he would go ahead and do that thing. I shudder to think of Colbert on CBS, with him doing lame standup and pandering to two guests pimping their current movies. Blargh.
4. Ebola Will Kill Us All – If you don’t live in one of the African countries affected, chances are, Ebola isn’t going to kill you. 24-hour news networks would beg to differ. They want you to cower in fear, and continue to stay tuned so they can generate ad revenue. 24-hour news networks are like the North Korea of the journalism world. They talk a big game about scary stuff that will kill you, but ultimately nothing ever materializes.
5. CNN Can Only Cover One Story at a Time – Malaysia Airlines flight 370 seemed to be the only news story on CNN this year. To be fair to CNN, they also talked about race riots in the U.S., ISIS/ISIL/Whateverthefucktheywanttobecalledthisminute, and Ebola. So, they covered a grand total of 4 news stories this year. Thanks for wasting everyone’s time, guys.
6. Death Eaters Take Control of U.S. Government – OK, so Lord Voldemort hasn’t taken the presidency yet, but his cronies now control the U.S. House and Senate. If that isn’t one step closer to total evil domination of the world, I don’t know what is. The only person worse than Voldemort running the country would be Putin.
7. Shitty Bonus)  Winter Olympics – I already wrote a full post about the shittiness of the Sochi Winter Olympics here. Feel free to read it again and reminisce.

Well, another year has come and gone. 2015 is just getting started. I’m sure there will be many more awesome and shitty things happening during the Earth’s long trek around the sun. Let’s hope, no matter what happens, we can ridicule them with reckless abandon.

Worst. Olympics. Ever.

Saying that the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics was a disaster is nothing new. People have been saying it would be a disaster since before it started. But I’m going to go on record and say it was the “Worst Olympics Ever.” That includes Olympic games held in Nazi Germany and any future Olympic games that may be held in North Korea. The 2014 games were a testament to ineptitude, a political device meant to showcase the glory of Russia to the world, but came across instead as a vanity project for President Vladimir Putin’s massive ego.

Here’s a list of reasons why this was the worst Olympics ever:

1.) Stop the gays – OK, this is an obvious one, so I thought I’d get it out of the way first. Russia has been no friend to homosexuals, as Putrin has enacted numerous bits of legislation under the guise of “traditional family values” which are nothing more than laws targeting the country’s homosexual population. The sad part is that the U.S. Republican party does pretty much the same thing when railing against gays in America. Traditional Family Values include one man marrying one woman, and each being miserably depressed, never divorcing, and being involved in alcoholism and extra-marital affairs. You know, good old fashioned American values. I suppose Russia has more in common with the U.S. than we realize. In any case, Russia seems mired in the past, enacting outdated legislation and systematically targeting a minority demographic. The rest of the world is slowly moving forward, but Russian seems hellbent on going backward.

2.) Kill the dogs – Sochi has a problem with stray dogs. There are so many that dog kill squads have been ordered to wipe out the masterless mongrels. It’s pretty fucking sad that they would rather kill dogs than attempt to adopt them to families. I’m a realist, I know that not all of these dogs would be able to find homes and many of them would be put down in shelters. But for fuck’s sake, at least give them a chance before murdering them. Some reporters have lamented becoming somewhat attached to friendly strays, only to notice after a few days they are nowhere to be found. If Putin hates dogs this much and hates gays this much, I wonder how much he must hate gay dogs? Maybe he was raped by a gay dog as a child? His anger must come from somewhere.