Samurai 7, Eden of the East, Strike Witches

Samurai 7

Samurai 7's cast of assholes

Samurai 7 is an anime reimagining of Akira Kurosawa’s classic film Seven Samurai. The movie is incredible, a truly epic tale of samurai, the futility of war, life, death, and the end of the samurai era. It should be seen by everyone, especially those who take an interest in film and/or Japanese culture. Samurai 7, on the other hand, is none of those things. It’s a watered down, cheesy, stupid, badly animated piece of crap from none other than Gonzo, the kings of shitty anime. What they did was take a 3 and 1/2 hour movie and stretch it into 26 episodes, roughly 13 hours. To do this, they obviously needed to include more shit. They added great stuff like a merchant lord trying to kill samurai because he thought their poor, farmer companion was hot, the same merchant lord discovering he is a clone of the emperor, a group of omnipotent merchant bat-people, and of course samurai flying through the air and destroying the shit out of giant robots with puny swords. In classic Gonzo style, the animation quality varies wildly, the CGI (of which there is plenty) is amateurish, the writing is weak, half the story makes no sense, and the thing drags on and on. It might have worked as a 13 episode series, but 26 was way too long. Half the episodes were filled with nothing happening. Gonzo didn’t rush the ending, which is unusual for them, but it wasn’t enough to save this series from being crap.

Verict: Bad

Eden of the East

Don't waste your time with this show

Another series from troll master Kenji Kamiyama. This is the same asshole who did an amazing job with Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, and then turned around and intentionally created the shitfest known as Moribito. Eden of the East falls somewhere in between. While it isn’t a huge piece of shit like Moribito, it does not reach any level of greatness or even goodness. It has an interesting premise, but it isn’t executed well. The series is only 11 episodes long, but somehow manages to drag its way lethargically through half those. The writing is aimless, boring, and has no clear sense of where it is going. The first couple of episodes were cool, and the last few weren’t half bad either. But I can’t forgive it for essentially having no direction. Clearly, Kamiyama had no idea where he was going when he started it. Also, nothing is wrapped up by the end of the series. Oh sure, there are two more movies that supposedly conclude the story, but my interest in watching good things will preclude me from watching those.

Verdict: Average

Strike Witches (AKA Cameltoe Heaven)

Why aren't any of them wearing pants?!

Uuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh. Typical, horrible, eye-gougingly bad piece of moe shit. Let’s do a quick checklist of what this series has to offer.

1. Super moe characters.
2. Super moe characters with flat chests.
3. Super moe characters with flat chests and annoying voices.
4. Weak plot.
5. Shitty “action” sequences.
6. In this alternate universe, women do not wear anything below the waist (i.e. skirts or pants).
7. On second thought, item number 6 isn’t so bad.
8. Oh, who am I kidding, item number 6 just makes the show all that more retarded.

So, pretty much every I hate.

Verdict: Shitty

Shigurui – Lethargy Frenzy

Hurrrr, serious business.

At first glance I thought I would have loved Shigurui. Reading a few synopses told me it had all the stuff I love: hardcore violence, nudity, rape, hardcore violence, misogyny, and hardcore violence. Even the title Shigurui – Death Frenzy, made me super pumped to watch it. Unfortunately, what I actually found myself watching was anything but awesome. Oh sure, it did have hardcore violence, nudity, rape, and misogyny but the execution was piss-poor. If a series like Shigurui was able to sap all the fun out of great stuff like sex and violence, then what hope is there for it to be good?

The story takes place in feudal Japan, and is told almost entirely in an extended flashback. It features two promising young samurai who struggle to become the next heir of an elite Japanese clan of sword fighters. There is deceit and betrayal, and someone emerges victorious while the other sulks away with hurt feelings. The guy who got butthurt ultimately decides to return for revenge. Telling the story in four sentences makes it sound totally awesome. However, the plodding pace and lethargic narrative absolutely kill any chance the series had of being interesting.

20 Awesomest Anime of the Decade (2000-2009)

I’ve seen me lots of animu in the last decade. I started watching this stuff in late 2001, and it’s ruined my life ever since. That being said, I felt it was my obligation to impart upon you the fact that there are good anime out there. It’s not all moeblobs and slice of life bullshit. So, as it’s so trendy to do right now, I’m giving you my list of the 20 Most Awesomest Anime of 2000’s. Keep in mind that even though I have ranked these, they are all equally awesome. My list probably won’t sit well with the pretentious arthouse goons or the moe-loving fapboys, but rest assured these anime are actually good shows.

20.) Boogiepop Phantom (2000) – This is one of those series where the fun comes in figuring out what the hell is going on. It’s a supernatural thriller, with each episode taking place from the point of view of a different character. I love the washed out color palette, the haunting music, the “realistic” look of the characters (i.e. no crazy hair colors), and the non-linear story. Instead of spoon feeding the viewer, it allows you to deduce what really happened on your own, although this may require multiple viewings. As the “angel of death,” Boogiepop doesn’t really have a name that would inspire fear in anybody, but if you watch this series late at night with the lights off, you might get a little freaked out.

19.) Paprika (2006) – A film from a true master, Satoshi Kon. While Millenium Actress is probably his most praised work, I find that there is something intangibly better about this movie. Kon continually plays with themes of identity and reality, and he does so to perfection here. In a future world where people can use technology to enter dreams, a doctor is attempting to use it to help psychiatric patients. She uses a persona known as Paprika. As the movie progresses, the line between what is real and what is the dream world blurs. Eventually, things spiral out of control, and climax in one of the weirdest and most incredible finales ever put to film.