Posts Tagged ‘Sexman

26
Mar
11

The Zen of Spam

Maintaining a blog for two and a half years has its perks. One of the best parts is getting great spam messages in the comment inbox. While most of them are links to porn sites or incoherent gibberish, there are some that are comedic gems. I have listed some of my favorites, in no particular order. Read them and meditate. To understand them is to achieve enlightenment.

  • Hello. Good blog. I enjoy reading it. It has great games and Jason Statham content.

It’s awfully nice of you to say that. I can’t tell you how many Jason Statham articles I’ve written (zero), but I’m happy you found them to be enjoyable. And as for games, my personal favorite is a spirited game of strip Twister. Ah, the wonderful middle school gym class memories…

  • Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! Beautiful… Amazing…

Since you left this comment in the post Sexman Monday: Iron Man 2, I have to assume that Sexman is the one you find to be beautiful and amazing. I would never dare to disagree. He is quite a catch.

  • Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.

I had no idea these random spam-generating bots could be so profound.

  • One time I accidentally stumbled upon a remarkable site that allowed me to meet my beloved. The site is very popular, I’m glad that came across him, his name I’ll write in the next post

What site was it? Who did you meet? What is his name? Tell me now! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!!!

Continue reading ‘The Zen of Spam’

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22
Oct
10

Screw You, Marvel

This is exactly what Marvel is doing to their properties.

All of Marvel’s upcoming movies are going to be trash.

A decade ago, movie adaptations of comic books were a joke. With the exception of the 1989 Batman and 1978 Superman films, they were laughable at best, and huge steaming piles of shit at worst. The problem was that nobody took it seriously, not even the creators. They made them campy and hokey, and self-referentially stupid. They were the lowest common denominator of movies. They became a self-fulfilling prophecy of crappy movie-making. After all, if the filmmakers themselves treated the properties like shit, then the movies would inevitably turn out to be shit. The industry chugged along, and churned out turd after turd with the occasional, anomalous decent movie like Blade in 1998.

Fast forward to 2002, and the release of Spider-Man. Suddenly, we had a GOOD live action version of a comic book movie. How did it turn out good, you ask? Well, let me answer that for you. The simple reason was that the director, Sam Raimi, had been a longtime fan of the comic book series. He wanted to stay as true to the character as possible while adapting him for the more difficult live action film environment. Naturally, certain things needed to be changed, but they were done with as much care as possible. The characters and situations were taken seriously, and given the right amount of gravity with occasional moments of levity thrown in to keep things fun. The script was solid, the actors were well cast and talented, and everything flowed together seamlessly. It just worked. Worldwide, that movie grossed over $800 million. People were screaming about how awesome the movie was, and all of a sudden it wasn’t nerdy to like comics any more.

Continue reading ‘Screw You, Marvel’

15
Jul
10

Happy (Shitty) Two Year Anniversary

Somehow I’ve managed to keep this blog afloat for two years. To those of you out there who read it, thanks for the support. I plan on keeping it alive until either I get bored or shut down by The Man, because The Man liked Transformers 2 way too much to let me keep on writing about how it sucked. So for now until some unknown time in the future, I’ll keep posting really shitty reviews of things I hate (and sometimes love). After all, this is the best/worst blog on the Internet. Happy (shitty) two year anniversary, Awesomely Shitty!

05
Jul
10

Sexman Monday: Iron Man 2

“Sexman’s Back! Tell a friend!”

Film connoisseur and perennial genius Sexman has graced us with another one of his brilliant reviews, this time of Iron Man 2. I’ve got to say that for once in my life I disagree with him. You totally do notice that Don Cheadle isn’t Terrance Howard. It was an annoying recast, and it was a terrible idea. It’s like the Hollywood executives thought, “We’ll just replace one black guy with another, the public won’t notice it since they think all black people look the same.”

Plus, who the fuck did they get to write that movie, anyway? It’s like whoever wrote it didn’t bother to watch the first movie. They changed a bunch of the rules set up in the first movie, and added a bunch of retarded crap like the entire Avengers sub-plot. “LOL! Tony Stark’s dad made Captain America’s shield! LOL!” (*dismissive wank*) But I digress. Anyway, on to Sexman’s review of Iron Man 2, featuring bonus mini-reviews of The Mummy 3 and Dora the Explorer.

On the other hand, who am I to disagree with this site’s official film critic? By the way, did anyone notice how fucking PUMPED Sexman was in this video? That alone makes this one of his greatest reviews ever.

20
Feb
10

Avatard Me Up (AKA Everyone is an Idiot)

There is a fairly common misconception that nerds are smart. This has been propagated mostly by Hollywood in Revenge of the Nerds, Weird Science, and other countless generic “comedy” films. The truth is, however, that nerds are just as stupid as everyone else, especially when it comes to reviewing movies.

When James Cameron’s latest movie, Avatar, was released, it was expected to create a planet-wide nerdgasm so large it would create a rift in the space-time continuum. Surprisingly, it didn’t. Nevertheless, it was incredibly popular with the masses and nerds alike. But the biggest nerds of all (i.e. the forum dwellers and bloggers) hailed it as a steaming pile of crap. They hurled accusations that it was a big letdown in that it was “not original” and “not thought provoking” enough. Even my beloved NPR had the audacity to compare it to the forgettable pop song Tik Tok by Ke$ha.

It’s like they expected the plot of Avatar to be like the second coming of Christ. James Cameron never said, “I have written the first completely original story in the last 200 years.” The whole point of the movie was not to set the world ablaze with an incredibly original masterwork of fiction. It showcased a very basic plotline that had interesting characters, rousing action sequences, state of the art special effects, and blue alien sideboob. What’s not to like? Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK TEH PLOT IS EXACTLY LIKE DANCES WITH WOLFS LOL!” But so what? Who gives a shit? Every fucking sci-fi movie has recycled its plot from something else. Hell, Star Trek was described by its creator Gene Roddenberry as Wagon Train in outer space. Sci-fi was never known for original plots.

ALFatar: The epic sequel to Avatar.

And then nerds start bitching about how the acting is terrible, the characters are generic, and the drama is completely flat and uninspiring. These, of course, come from the same people who absolutely adored Transformers 2. I shit you not, these are two real posts from the same individual on a forum:

INTERNET IDIOT in the Avatar Forum Thread: You know I just thought Avatar’s plot was super generic. There were just a bunch of explosions and nothing to really think about in the plot.

THE SAME INTERNET IDIOT in the Transformers 2 Forum Thread: I don’t see why you guys are all hating on Transformers. So what if its just a bunch of shooting and explosions. Its not supposed to be deep. You aren’t supposed to think about it. Its just supposed to be fun!

This is the kind of thing that really pisses me off, inconsistency. Just be consistent, people. If you are going to hate on Avatar for thinking the plot sucks, then don’t run off to defend Transformers 2 for having a weak ass plot. This is why I hate nerds. Actually, this is why I hate everyone. People just don’t have the ability to remain objective at all. They like to jerk off to giant robots, so Transformers’ failings are forgiven, but they don’t like to jerk off to blue CGI babes, so Avatar is crucified. It’s ridiculous.

What’s even more ridiculous are the criticisms that have come from non-nerds. The idiots really came out of the wordwork across the planet to take aim at Avatar. Here is a list of some of the most moronic complaints I have read about the film:

HINDUS: The word “avatar” is used in our religion, and we don’t like that it is the title of this movie. Never mind that the term “avatar” has been circulating on the Internet for years. BAWWWWW!

AMERICAN REPUBLICANS: The villains in this movie are United States Marines. Therefore, this entire movie is Anti-American. Never mind the fact that in the movie the villains are actually mercenaries. BAWWWWW!

AMERICAN REPUBLICANS PART 2: This movie preaches environmentalism. The Bible proves that environmentalism is bad. DESTROY THE EARTH! THAT’S WHAT JESUS WOULD DO!

CHRISTIAN FANATICS: Avatar has a New Age, pagan, anti-capitalist message that promotes goddess worship and the destruction of the human race. Never mind that we issued this criticism before the movie was ever released or seen by anyone. BAWWWWW!

THE NEW YORK TIMES: This movie reinforces stereotypes about colonialism. It shows that tribal people need the White Messiah to help them overcome adversity. We still live in the 1960s and are so politically correct that we think everyone constantly obsesses over race. We are huge tools! BAWWWWW!

CHINESE GOVERNMENT: This movie depicts us as evil, and the good guys are clearly meant to be Tibetans. We must immediately ban this movie from all Chinese cinemas. BAWWWWW!

PALESTINIANS: This movie is a perfect depiction of our plight! Yay, Avatar has sided with us against the Isrealis! (Oh wait, I guess that isn’t a criticism, is it?)

PRETENTIOUS FILM FAGS: I can’t believe this was nominated for Best Picture! It doesn’t even have two gay cowboys eating pudding! BAWWWWW!

HISTORY FANBOYS: Hey, look! They stole the Pocahontas story! BAWWWWW!

AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER FANS: They stole the title of our live-action movie! BAWWWWW!

To sum things up, everyone is an idiot. People from all corners of the globe have made the most ludicrous criticisms of a fucking sci-fi action adventure movie. You are all reading way too much into this. OK, sure, the story is just like the Pocahontas story. And yeah, it isn’t groundbreaking in terms of originality. But who gives a fuck? What was the last movie you saw that was totally original? Nothing. Because every story has already been done. And it has already been done a million times over. James Cameron was able to synthesize a bunch of old movie cliches and frame them into something exciting and (relatively) unique. It’s something that 99% of the turds Hollywood shits out every year can not achieve. Why should this one film be held to a higher standard than Transformers or other generic crap Hollywood can produce?

Just in case you were thinking that I am one of those Avatard’s who worship the movie like the holy grail, think again. The people who put it upon a pedestal are some seriously cracked-out buffoons. They, like everyone else, are idiots. Here is an actual post from an Avatar forum:

AVATARD: I cant stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers i got from it. I even contemplated suicide thinking that if i do i will be re birthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in Avatar.

Behind the scenes of the Avatar porno.

Avatar was a lot of fun to watch. That’s all I care about. I don’t care if it is or isn’t a critique on the Iraq War. I don’t care if it has an environmentalist message. And I certainly don’t give a crap about the whole 3D experience. I hope that it will be the next movie fad to die a quick death. But what I do care about is that my movies are entertaining and memorable. Avatar is both of those.

Verdict: Awesome

P.S. For those of you who don’t agree with me, here is a message from Sexman that is sure to change your mind.

18
May
09

Sexman Monday: Wolverine

“It’s just, it’s just awesome.”

“…it’s just hard.”

But calling Fox clever? Come on, Sexman, you know they are a bunch of retards.

06
Oct
08

Sexman Monday: Political Genius

This site’s political commentator, Sexman, has a few things to say about the upcoming election. If you weren’t sure how to vote before, this should definitely clear everything up.




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