Posts Tagged ‘star wars

04
Jun
16

Classically Shitty: Bridge on the River Kwai

Bridge on the River Kwai is another one of those classic movies that is classic for inexplicable reasons. Watching it, I honestly could not figure out why people like it. Was it the languid pace and lack of urgency? Was it the battle of superior White morality over that of the evil Japanese? Was it Obi Wan Kenobi as the main character? It’s hard to say. Perhaps it’s the combination of all three.

Kwai is sort of like the ultimate movie for spoiled assholes. The movie begins with a group of freshly captured British soldiers being hauled into a Japanese POW camp. The new inmates are told they are going to be put to work building a bridge. The bridge is extremely important to the war effort and must be built on time.

Obi Wan tells Saito (the head of the Japanese camp) that officers are not required to do manual labor because of the Geneva Convention. Saito says he doesn’t care, and everyone is has to work. Obi Wan remains defiant. He and his officers refuse to work. They put up with starvation, beatings, and being locked in an iron box. Eventually, Saito gives in and tells the officers they don’t have to work. The officers get to chill while their grunts go build the bridge.

Continue reading ‘Classically Shitty: Bridge on the River Kwai’

09
Jan
16

Star Wars VII: The Remake

Disney: We want to make a new Star Wars movie. Who’s the most generic director working today that won’t offend anyone with a unique style?

Lucasfilm: J.J. Abrams.

Disney: OK, hire him.

Lucasfilm: Done. Here he is.

Abrams: Hi.

Disney: We want you to direct a new Star Wars movie. But you can’t do anything too crazy like the prequels. They have to be exactly like the original trilogy, you know, the movies that people liked.

Abrams: Sure, no problem.

Disney: What ideas do you have for Episode VII?

Abrams: The main character should be a kid who is a genius pilot living on a backwater desert planet.

Disney: So, Luke Skywalker on Tatooine?

Abrams: No, Rey Noname living on Jakku.

Disney: And who will train Rey in the Force? Luke?

Abrams: No, we won’t waste the audience’s time with training sequences. Rey will become a Force master in about five minutes.

Disney: Okay, sounds great. What else have you got?

Abrams: How about a struggle between the First Order and the Resistance for control of the galaxy?

Disney: So, the Empire versus the Rebellion?

Abrams: No, no, this time it’s totally different. You see, the Galactic Republic exists again, and the Resistance backs them. Although why the Resistance would be called the Resistance when they are upholding the current regime is anyone’s guess. And the First Order are super-powerful bad guys who have Storm Troopers and Sith Lords and everything.

Disney: You’ve got to bring back the old characters. People won’t see if it there aren’t any familiar faces.

Abrams: Oh, I ‘ve got that all figured out. We’ve got Han Solo and Chewbacca ready to go. Han looks so decrepit he’s got one foot in the grave. Chewie looks good though. Not a gray hair on him. He hasn’t aged a day.

Continue reading ‘Star Wars VII: The Remake’

26
Jan
14

The Grey

Here is the only poster this piece of shit movie had.

Five minutes into The Grey, Liam Neeson sticks the business end of a rifle into his mouth and almost pulls the trigger. He must have been overwhelmed by feelings of regret after being in Star Wars Episode I and Taken 2. Oh, what could have been. Blam! Neeson dead. The End. If he had gone through with it, The Grey would have been a much better movie.

The Grey tries to be a combination of Alive and White Fang, featuring a group of plane-crash survivors struggling against nature and wolves. Unfortunately, the end result is absolutely terrible. The story is thread-bare, the characters are laughably stupid, the pacing is horrendous, and the attempts at “depth” are clumsy. This is a movie that is only tolerable if you’re totally wasted.

Continue reading ‘The Grey’

22
Feb
13

Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 80s Edition

It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!”

In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner.

They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.

This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 1980s.

Continue reading ‘Brik Hates the Academy Awards: 80s Edition’

25
Jan
13

Cloud Atlas Smelled Like a Fart

Cloud Atlas had a ton of hype around it when it came out in October. It took Brik and I a few months to get around to seeing it, since we usually wait for things to get to the second run theater. I am very glad I did not waste $10 a ticket to see this turd.

The coolest scene in the movie.

The plot of Cloud Atlas is divided into multiple storylines, each taking place in a different time period using all of the same actors playing different characters. Each plot line had little strands woven in that linked them somehow to the other time periods. The goal was lofty: to demonstrate that each action, good or bad, has consequences to everyone, even rippling out to the distant future.

The tagline for the movie is Everything is Connected, and this makes sense given what they tried to do with the plot lines. However, I spent most of the time in the theater wondering how is everything connected (besides Halle Barry treading the boundary of black and white). How could the average moviegoer pick out these barely discernible threads? This is Amurrica. Dumb it down please.  Continue reading ‘Cloud Atlas Smelled Like a Fart’

18
Jan
13

The Hobbit: An Expected Cash Grab

It’s all about the Benjamins.

Peter Jackson can go suck a fuck. Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. I’m using Donnie Darko references over here. Jackson has become the George Lucas of Lord of the Rings. Lucas went back and filmed three shitty prequels to his revered Star Wars trilogy, and Jackson has made the exact same mistake with The Hobbit.

I’m not going to argue that The Hobbit as a film shouldn’t exist. In fact, it should. The 1937 book written by J.R.R. Tolkien is beloved by millions of people the world over. And since his later Lord of the Rings books were turned into films that became venerable smash-hits, it only makes sense that there should be a film of The Hobbit. Unforeseeable by anyone, the worst person for the job would be the same person who directed the Rings films.

Clearly, Peter Jackson caught lightning in a bottle when he directed the Rings films. He tried to recapture that magic from a decade ago, but failed miserably every step of the way. The tone of The Hobbit is vastly different from the later Rings books. It is lighter, faster-paced, and has more of a sense of wonder. Jackson, being a goddamn moron, tried to bend the material to fit into the exact same style of the Rings films. He tries to make it dark, somber, and epic all at the same time. For material that is inherently light and fun, this just doesn’t work. Scene after scene fails on almost every level. Technically, they look and sound great, but that’s about it. The writing doesn’t work, the acting is awkward, and you get a sense that nobody really knew what they hell they were doing when making this monstrosity.

Continue reading ‘The Hobbit: An Expected Cash Grab’

25
Jun
11

Your Wedding Sucked

Wedding season is currently underway, and I thought I should make a public service announcement. I know that weddings are a weird topic for Awesomely Shitty, but I felt it was my duty to impart my invaluable words of wisdom onto you. I’ve attended a lot of weddings, including my own, which makes me practically an expert on the subject. So, if you’re planning on having your own, here’s a list of ways you can royally fuck up your wedding and piss off everyone.

1.) The ceremony is too long – A typical rookie mistake. Nobody wants to sit for more than 15-20 minutes watching the two of you stand motionless while some crusty old tool reads through a long-winded ceremony. The longer it goes, the more anxious people are going to be to leave, not to mention they’ll be furious. Of course you thought the 75 minute ceremony with Catholic Mass included was “beautiful.” But your 200 guests didn’t. They were hopelessly bored and contemplating suicide as a means of escape.

2.) The ceremony is too short – I know it seems impossible for the ceremony to be too short, but the last wedding I went to had a ceremony which clocked in at 5 minutes. At any wedding, the ceremony is the main event. The reception is the celebration of that. Obviously, the reception is the fun part with drunken debauchery and horny bridesmaids, but that doesn’t mean you should have the ceremony take two seconds. Put some goddamn thought into the readings, music, and vows to make it worthwhile. Otherwise, you might as well get married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.

3.) Somebody read 1 Corinthians – You know the one, “Love is patient, love is kind, love is cliche, love is etc.” Every wedding I have been to except for two (mine skipped it) had this. It is the most overused piece of shit reading. Maybe the sentiment is nice, but it’s hard to like it when you hear it all the fucking time. Love is great and all, but considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, is love really something we want to hear about at a wedding?

Continue reading ‘Your Wedding Sucked’




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