X-Men Trilogy

X-Men

We love to wear black leather.

The first X-Men film is often credited with starting the resurgence of the superhero film genre, that is to say, treating the source material with respect and still crafting a great movie. I’d say it was Blade, two years earlier, but apparently I’m the only person who saw that one. Looking back on the original X-Men, it hasn’t aged well. Sure, there are many good points about it, but overall it’s pretty damn weak. The cast is probably the strongest aspect: Patrick Stewart looks like he came right off the pages of the comic as Professor X, Hugh Jackman is pitch-perfect as Wolverine, and Ian McKellan has the right amount of charm and menace to pull off Magneto. The rest of the cast also turns in good performances, like Sookie Stackhouse playing Rogue and Famke Janssen as Jean Grey.

The problems of the movie come with the story. There is a ton of groundwork to be laid, introducing the audience to the intricacies of the X-Men universe. Mutants are explained, anti-mutant governmental factions are explained, Professor X’s school is explained, Magneto and Professor X’s rift is explained, hell, the entire movie is a huge chunk of exposition. The story is told to the audience through the eyes of two newcomers, Rogue and Wolverine. While this was good to explain things, they spend too much time explaining. By the time everything is explained, the movie is in the final act. It almost seems like the setup to the X-Men movie rather than the actual movie itself. The plot, with Magneto trying to convert every human to a mutant is a little ridiculous, and seemingly not something you’d expect the first time out. It seems like this should have been used in a later story (like a subsequent film); it feels intangibly out of place here.

A Good Day to Die Hard made its Last Stand but took a Bullet to the Head

The three biggest action stars of the 80s and 90s all tried to make a serious comeback in 2013 by starring in action extravaganzas. Unfortunately, their glory days are behind them. Instead of capturing the magic of the 80s and turning in entertaining spectacles of wanton violence, they gave us three smelly turds. As much as they want me to enjoy their shit, well, Planet Hollywood went out of business a long time ago.

Knowing these movies would be terrible, I decided to wait until they hit the second-run theater. Spending a grand total of $8 to see them (instead of $27) was a blessing.

“What am I supposed to be looking at? The car? This is just a goddamn Chevy commercial, isn’t it?”

First, I watched The Last Stand. This was supposed to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s triumphant return to action. Sure, he had a small part in The Expendables 2, but he wasn’t headlining, and nobody saw that crapfest, anyway. This movie was directed by Kim Ji-woon, the same guy who directed the horrendous I Saw the Devil. Going into this, I had no idea he was the director. As soon as I saw his name, I knew I was in for a shitty time.

This movie goes out of its way to let us know Arnold is “too old for this shit.” He’s a weary, rundown sheriff of a small town in Arizona. He limps around with a hunched back and arthritis. Of course, once the bullets start flying, he performs acrobatics like a 20-year-old gymnast. How was this possible? Did he snort several lines of coke beforehand? Anyway, it turns out that this movie is just a 100-minute long commercial for the Chevy Corvette C6ZR1. The villain drives one of these for half the movie, and the camera does all these crazy close ups and zoom-ins, like a porn director on a girl’s vag.  I half expected the villain to start jacking off inside the car.