It’s no mystery that I hate the Academy Awards. Hollywood spends half the year binging on cocaine and hookers and the other half praising themselves for it. No other industry exerts so much energy and spends so much money on self-congratulatory masturbation than the film industry. These sick fucks have the cushiest, easiest jobs in the world, and they act like what they do is some kind of goddamn accomplishment. “LOL OH LOOK I JUST RECITED SOME LINES SOMEONE ELSE WROTE FOR ME AND SHED A TEAR AT THE SAME TIME! I’M A FUCKING ACTING GOD! QUICK SOMEBODY GIVE ME FIFTY AWARDS LOL!” In theory, I could get behind the awards if they actually awarded things that were deserving. You know, giving a Best Picture award to the best movie of the year. But the Academy rarely gives that award to the best movie of the year. Hell, they don’t even give it to the most popular movie of the year. Usually, they give it to whatever cool person produced the movie, or to the most obscure, independent, foreign piece of shit they can find. Typically, no one in the mainstream public will have even seen the winner. They’ve been pulling this shit for years. So, I decided to analyze the past years, offer my own nominees, and declare new winners. Best movie isn’t the one that makes you cry or makes you think. Best movie is the one that you want to revisit over and over again. A movie you watch once and never again isn’t good. It’s only good if you can’t help but watch it a million times. Rewatchability is the hallmark of something great.
This time around, I’ll be taking a look at the Best Picture winners from the 1990s.
For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.
Horseman numero dos is none other than Michael Bay. Just like our friend Roland Emmerich, this guy’s “movies” have also grossed over $3 billion worldwide. It’s an impressive feat considering that his “movies” are little more than paper-thin stories used solely for the purpose of stringing together a series of explosions. Here is a list of some of this auteur’s “movies:” Continue reading ‘4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 2 – Michael Bay’
There is a fairly common misconception that nerds are smart. This has been propagated mostly by Hollywood in Revenge of the Nerds,Weird Science, and other countless generic “comedy” films. The truth is, however, that nerds are just as stupid as everyone else, especially when it comes to reviewing movies.
When James Cameron’s latest movie, Avatar, was released, it was expected to create a planet-wide nerdgasm so large it would create a rift in the space-time continuum. Surprisingly, it didn’t. Nevertheless, it was incredibly popular with the masses and nerds alike. But the biggest nerds of all (i.e. the forum dwellers and bloggers) hailed it as a steaming pile of crap. They hurled accusations that it was a big letdown in that it was “not original” and “not thought provoking” enough. Even my beloved NPR had the audacity to compare it to the forgettable pop song Tik Tok by Ke$ha.
It’s like they expected the plot of Avatar to be like the second coming of Christ. James Cameron never said, “I have written the first completely original story in the last 200 years.” The whole point of the movie was not to set the world ablaze with an incredibly original masterwork of fiction. It showcased a very basic plotline that had interesting characters, rousing action sequences, state of the art special effects, and blue alien sideboob. What’s not to like? Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK TEH PLOT IS EXACTLY LIKE DANCES WITH WOLFS LOL!” But so what? Who gives a shit? Every fucking sci-fi movie has recycled its plot from something else. Hell, Star Trek was described by its creator Gene Roddenberry as Wagon Train in outer space. Sci-fi was never known for original plots.
ALFatar: The epic sequel to Avatar.
And then nerds start bitching about how the acting is terrible, the characters are generic, and the drama is completely flat and uninspiring. These, of course, come from the same people who absolutely adored Transformers 2. I shit you not, these are two real posts from the same individual on a forum:
INTERNET IDIOT in the Avatar Forum Thread: You know I just thought Avatar’s plot was super generic. There were just a bunch of explosions and nothing to really think about in the plot.
THE SAME INTERNET IDIOT in the Transformers 2 Forum Thread: I don’t see why you guys are all hating on Transformers. So what if its just a bunch of shooting and explosions. Its not supposed to be deep. You aren’t supposed to think about it. Its just supposed to be fun!
This is the kind of thing that really pisses me off, inconsistency. Just be consistent, people. If you are going to hate on Avatar for thinking the plot sucks, then don’t run off to defend Transformers 2 for having a weak ass plot. This is why I hate nerds. Actually, this is why I hate everyone. People just don’t have the ability to remain objective at all. They like to jerk off to giant robots, so Transformers’ failings are forgiven, but they don’t like to jerk off to blue CGI babes, so Avatar is crucified. It’s ridiculous.
What’s even more ridiculous are the criticisms that have come from non-nerds. The idiots really came out of the wordwork across the planet to take aim at Avatar. Here is a list of some of the most moronic complaints I have read about the film:
HINDUS: The word “avatar” is used in our religion, and we don’t like that it is the title of this movie. Never mind that the term “avatar” has been circulating on the Internet for years. BAWWWWW!
AMERICAN REPUBLICANS: The villains in this movie are United States Marines. Therefore, this entire movie is Anti-American. Never mind the fact that in the movie the villains are actually mercenaries. BAWWWWW!
AMERICAN REPUBLICANS PART 2: This movie preaches environmentalism. The Bible proves that environmentalism is bad. DESTROY THE EARTH! THAT’S WHAT JESUS WOULD DO!
CHRISTIAN FANATICS: Avatar has a New Age, pagan, anti-capitalist message that promotes goddess worship and the destruction of the human race. Never mind that we issued this criticism before the movie was ever released or seen by anyone. BAWWWWW!
THE NEW YORK TIMES: This movie reinforces stereotypes about colonialism. It shows that tribal people need the White Messiah to help them overcome adversity. We still live in the 1960s and are so politically correct that we think everyone constantly obsesses over race. We are huge tools! BAWWWWW!
CHINESE GOVERNMENT: This movie depicts us as evil, and the good guys are clearly meant to be Tibetans. We must immediately ban this movie from all Chinese cinemas. BAWWWWW!
PALESTINIANS: This movie is a perfect depiction of our plight! Yay, Avatar has sided with us against the Isrealis! (Oh wait, I guess that isn’t a criticism, is it?)
PRETENTIOUS FILM FAGS: I can’t believe this was nominated for Best Picture! It doesn’t even have two gay cowboys eating pudding! BAWWWWW!
HISTORY FANBOYS: Hey, look! They stole the Pocahontas story! BAWWWWW!
AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER FANS: They stole the title of our live-action movie! BAWWWWW!
To sum things up, everyone is an idiot. People from all corners of the globe have made the most ludicrous criticisms of a fucking sci-fi action adventure movie. You are all reading way too much into this. OK, sure, the story is just like the Pocahontas story. And yeah, it isn’t groundbreaking in terms of originality. But who gives a fuck? What was the last movie you saw that was totally original? Nothing. Because every story has already been done. And it has already been done a million times over. James Cameron was able to synthesize a bunch of old movie cliches and frame them into something exciting and (relatively) unique. It’s something that 99% of the turds Hollywood shits out every year can not achieve. Why should this one film be held to a higher standard than Transformers or other generic crap Hollywood can produce?
Just in case you were thinking that I am one of those Avatard’s who worship the movie like the holy grail, think again. The people who put it upon a pedestal are some seriously cracked-out buffoons. They, like everyone else, are idiots. Here is an actual post from an Avatar forum:
AVATARD: I cant stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers i got from it. I even contemplated suicide thinking that if i do i will be re birthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in Avatar.
Behind the scenes of the Avatar porno.
Avatar was a lot of fun to watch. That’s all I care about. I don’t care if it is or isn’t a critique on the Iraq War. I don’t care if it has an environmentalist message. And I certainly don’t give a crap about the whole 3D experience. I hope that it will be the next movie fad to die a quick death. But what I do care about is that my movies are entertaining and memorable. Avatar is both of those.
Verdict: Awesome
P.S. For those of you who don’t agree with me, here is a message from Sexman that is sure to change your mind.
Awesomely Shitty 