Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise

08
Aug
15

Mission Impossible 5 V Five Rogue Nation

I’ve generally enjoyed the Mission: Impossible film series. It’s a franchise going on its 20th year, and it’s still going strong. Five movies deep, you’d think it would be getting stale, but somehow they keep reinvigorating it. Part of that has to do with having a different director for each movie. This keeps infusing the franchise with new ideas, and gives each film a unique vision. Christopher McQuarrie helms Rogue Nation, and brings us the best film the series has had since the first movie.

I was pretty worried after watching Ghost Protocol. That movie was such a campy, cheesy, CGI-laden piece of shit, I figured the series was doomed. Ghost Protocol brought out the worst of the spy genre. It had the over-the-top crap from the Pierce Brosnan Bond films combined with the corny jokes of the Roger Moore Bond films. It was abysmal, an absolute travesty. Sadly, it did extremely well at the box office, and I figured they would keep up that style in order to wring every last penny out of the movie going public.

Continue reading ‘Mission Impossible 5 V Five Rogue Nation’

21
Jun
14

Edge of Tom Cruise

Live. Die. Repeat. Live. Die. Repeat. Live. Die. Repeat. You get the idea.

Edge of Tomorrow is the newest vanity project from Tom Cruise. It’s based on the bizarrely titled Japanese novel All You Need is Kill. With a Scientologist lead actor, a sci-fi premise, Japanese source material, and a less than stellar trailer, this had all the makings of a disaster. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a disaster. Even more surprising, Edge of Tomorrow was pretty damn good.

I can’t say how faithful the film is to the source material, but it doesn’t really matter. The movie needs to be able to stand on its own in order to be successful. Fortunately, the story put forth by the filmmakers was compelling. Cruise plays Major William Cage, the military’s slimy PR guy who has never once stepped on the battlefield. He’s a weasel, for sure, and Cruise plays him with a smarmy attitude. We immediately dislike him, and we should, since he’s such a jerk. Cruise actually plays against type here, as a cowardly weakling who isn’t immediately the savior of the human race. His playing against type is a huge advantage for the movie, because if he played his usual hero-type, the movie would have fallen flat on its face.

Continue reading ‘Edge of Tom Cruise’

17
Aug
12

Mission Impossible 4 IV Four Ghost Protocol

Cruise: “Make sure my name is above the title, OK?”

The problem with reading movie reviews before watching the movie is that it taints your expectations. This may come as a shock to you all (because I hate everything), but I actually like the Mission: Impossible film series. Despite Tom Cruise bouncing on Oprah’s couch, I’ve always enjoyed him in movies. And no, I’m not a Scientologist. Or am I? Anyway, back to my point. I had been following the reviews when this movie was released, it was getting great scores from the critics, and came in at a whopping 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, if that’s the case, then the movie has to be good, right?

Wrong.

Continue reading ‘Mission Impossible 4 IV Four Ghost Protocol’

03
Feb
12

The Voice is Bullshit

Bitches don't know 'bout singing talent.

I’ve been seeing commercials for the upcoming second season of The Voice. If you haven’t heard of this TV show, then count yourself lucky. It’s one of the worst things to hit the airwaves since Hitler’s 1936 Olympic broadcast. It falls into the same vein as other “talent” shows like American Idol, X-Factor, Sing-Off, etc. All of these shows are exactly the same. The purpose they serve is for “talented” people to pat themselves on the back for being so “talented.” Unfortunately, the only “talent” that seems to get any serious consideration on TV is singing. Being a good singer is about as impressive as being a good prostitute. Both involve excessive amounts of whoring yourself out for meager amounts of cash. Incidentally, the worse the singer, the more money they make. For example, Ke$ha’s warbling sounds like she’s trying to sing while regurgitating a piece of dog shit someone slipped into her McRib (who can tell the difference?), yet she is a major music industry “star.” But I digress… So, The Voice is just like the rest of the dregs of TV music “talent” shows.

When The Voice first aired it was billed as something different from those other shows. The intent was to judge the contestants solely on their singing ability. The judges would face away from the stage, and determine if they liked the contestant based on how they sounded. Supposedly, this was because the feeble minded judges would be too dazzled by the attractive contestants and repulsed by the ugly contestants to make a fair decision. As it turns out, this was a good idea. In the first round, a variety of people sang, and a good mix of attractive and normal-looking people (i.e. the Hollywood version of ugly) made it on to the next round. At this point I was still intrigued by the format, and it seemed to be light years ahead of American Idol ad nauseum in terms of quality. Unfortunately, after this point was when the originality and judgment based on talent was jettisoned from the show.  Continue reading ‘The Voice is Bullshit’

19
Nov
11

Super 8 Super Sucked (AKA The Nostalgia Whore)

Apparently, everyone was cumming in their pants this summer over the new Spielberg movie, Super 8. Why? It can’t be because Spielberg is still relevant, because he’s not. The dude hasn’t directed a good movie since 1998. People act like he’s some kind of fucking omnipotent god of the cinema, but the reality is he just makes corny shit. Now I know what you’re thinking, “LOL BUT BRIK HE MAKES SUM GOOD MOVIES AND TEHY ARE TOTALY FUN AND AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOOT LOL!” Nothing in that statement is even remotely true or makes any sense. Let’s take a look at Spielberg’s filmography as a director from the last 10 years:

  1. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) – Boring shit that would have been better directed by Kubrick.
  2. Minority Report (2002) – Midget-sized Tom Cruise kidnaps some bitch and goes on the run.
  3. Catch Me If You Can (2002) – Boring unfunny comedy.
  4. The Terminal (2004) – Boring undramatic drama.
  5. War of the Worlds (2005) – Unnecessary remake of a movie about aliens who decimate the Earth, but didn’t think to bring space suits and don’t have any knowledge of immune systems.
  6. Munich (2005) – zzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZzzzzz
  7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) – Teamed up with childhood-raping expert George Lucas to make this unnecessary sequel.
  8. War Horse (2011) – Gay.
  9. The Adventures of TinTin (2011) – Motion capture shit about some fucking French comic serial from the 30s-60s that no one cares about.

Spielberg built up a lot of street cred by making fun movies in the first phase of his career. He parlayed that into making serious films, which earned him critical acclaim in the second phase of his career. The third phase of Spielberg’s career has consisted of him jerking off while wondering what obscure shit from his childhood he can turn into a movie.

You see, now that he has a fanbase and a shitload of money, he’s just said “FUCK IT” and moved on to making self-indulgent masturbatory films for the benefit of no one. Go back and look at that list and tell me that even one of those movies is any better than mediocre. You can’t. Spielberg just isn’t trying anymore. He has so much goddamn money that his hunger and drive and desire to challenge himself and his audience is gone. He’s become so complacent that he’s incapable of directing something with soul or at the very least a good script.

Continue reading ‘Super 8 Super Sucked (AKA The Nostalgia Whore)’




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