Posts Tagged ‘Zack Snyder

25
Sep
17

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Just when it seems like superhero movies can’t get any worse, the studios manage to shit out a fouler turd than ever before. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice (you can’t believe how much I hate typing that long-winded, dumbass title) is definitely in the top 3 worst big-budget superhero movies I’ve ever seen. Fantastic Four and Green Lantern are the only ones that somehow managed to be worse, but only by a slim margin, because BVS is really fucking terrible.

The movie begins with yet another recap of Batman’s origins. Seriously, every goddamn person on the planet knows Batman’s origins, we don’t need to see it rehashed again, especially since we had an entire movie, Batman Begins, dedicated to his origins, and it isn’t even that old. Except this time, it’s overwrought, and inter-spliced with Bruce Wayne’s flashbacks/nightmares. For some reason, Bruce Wayne has zombie/desert nightmares which make no sense and add nothing of value to the movie. This comes along with Lois Lane’s incomprehensible-to-the-plot voyage into the Middle East to do a journalistic expose on . . . something. What the fuck was the point of these scenes?

Continue reading ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice’

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20
Jul
13

Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet

Why does the Man of Steel wear so much Spandex, anyway?

BrikHaus

Man of Steel is the 2013 GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR reboot of the Superman franchise. And like its predecessors, it manages to soar to unseen heights of mediocrity. There are so many problems with this movie, when I think about them, my head spins. Instead of writing a coherent review with thematic flow, I’m just going to take a shit all over this post, kind of like the movie did to the audience.

First, we get a half-hour long battle with Russell Crowe fighting CGI bad guys while riding flying dragons from Avatar. I can’t recall Jor-El being featured so heavily in any other Superman film. But, fuck it, they managed to get the Gladiator himself, so they better just fucking use him, yeah? After what seems like an eternity of space battles, the movie finally gets to the goddamn point. Jor-El eats it, Superman gets sent into space, and Krypton blows up. Couldn’t they have done all that in, like, 10 minutes? Did it have to be a 30 minute extravaganza? I honestly thought I was watching the climax of the movie. And it’s all downhill from there.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Later, we get an interchange of present day and flashbacks. Henry Cavill plays Clark Kent/Superman. He is lost in the world, travelling from place to place, helping people, staying off the ra– HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT DUDE’S ABS! HE IS TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPED! I’M NOT EVEN GAY AND I HAVE A MAJOR BONER FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW! I THINK ALL THE WOMEN IN THE THEATER JUST SQUIRTED IN THEIR PANTIES! Eventually, Clark gets a job in Canada or someplace, and finds an ancient Kryptonian spaceship.

Continue reading ‘Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet’

24
Aug
12

Sucker Punch, Cedar Rapids

Sucker Punch

The vivid artistry and the subtle nuance of metaphor truly comes alive in this piece.

This is one of those big-budget movies that is so bad it defies explanation. After watching it I had to rethink some of my previous “shitty” verdicts. Keep in mind this didn’t prompt me to change any of my past verdicts, but this movie is so fucking bad, it made me seriously reconsider the definition of “shitty.”

Written, produced, and directed by Zack Snyder, this 2011 “film” is one of the smelliest turds Hollywood has crapped out in a long time. Eschewing all plot, logic, and character development for flashy visuals, the movie stumbles along from action sequence to action sequence until it reaches a laughably idiotic finale. Below is a list of reasons why this movie sucks so hard:

  • Entire production filmed against a green screen
  • Waife-like beautiful women are all experts in weapons and martial arts.
  • People casually walking away from explosions or collapsing buildings.
  • Giant samurai robots.
  • WWI-era steampunk German zombies. (yes, you read that sentence correctly)
  • Using WWII-era planes to fight medieval-fantasy orcs and dragons.
  • Girls getting the shit beaten out of them, crashing through buildings, etc. and not getting a scratch on them.
  • Weird flying mecha in the aforementioned WWI-era setting.
  • Fighting hordes of non-descript robots.
  • Tons of slow-mo action, punctuated by brief super-fast action, to be brought back again to more slow-mo action.

The mish-mash of genres, settings, and action styles must have seemed like a ZOMG AWESOME idea to Snyder, but it turned out horribly. It looks more like a shitty video game than a movie. And the storyline is just about as good as one you’d find in a mindless button-mashing PS2 game from the early 2000s. I especially like how the girls only enter the “fantasy world” when they start dancing. OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO KICK GERMAN STEAMPUNK ZOMBIE ASS BUT FIRST I JUST GOTTA DANCE! I also like how the “fantasy world” is actually already within another “fantasy world.” So we go two layers deep, like Inception, but without any coherence or good plotting. I also like how Jon Hamm is slumming it for some reason at the end of the movie. The acting is horrible, the special effects gaudy and overused (i.e. every second of the movie), there are huge gaps in logic in every aspect of the story, and the plot is just all around clunky and terrible. What do you expect when Snyder co-wrote it with Steve Shibuya, who has no other writing credits, and his biggest previous work was as Production Assistant: Effects Unit in Killer Clowns from Outer Space.

Probably my favorite part is that this run-down shit-hole mental institution’s only inhabitants are young, thin, incredibly attractive 20-something girls. Could someone please point me in the direction of this psychiatric facility so I can apply for a job? Thanks.

Verdict: Shitty

Cedar Rapids

The crazy mofos of Cedar Rapids.

It’s unfortunate that, a lot of times, smaller movies don’t get the proper distribution and advertising they deserve. They may get a limited run at an art-house cinema, and then get lost into obscurity. One of those movies is the 2011 film Cedar Rapids. It was on the 2009 “Black List” – a list of the most liked unproduced Hollywood screenplays. Previous entires on the list include 50/50, The King’s Speech, and Juno.

Fortunately, Cedar Rapids didn’t stay on the Black List for long. It is a very funny movie about a small town insurance salesman named Tim Lippe (played by The Office’s Ed Helms), who gets sent by his company to the annual convention in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. To Tim, Cedar Rapids is the big city. He has never left home before. He wants to stay on the straight-and-narrow, as his company is eligible for the prestigious “Two Diamond Award”, which they have won the previous four years. If he screws up and they don’t win the award, he’ll be out of a job.

Complicating matters, the hotel is overbooked and salesman are forced to double-up their rooms. Tim gets roomed with the brash and rude Dean Ziegler (played by John C. Reilly). The bulk of the movie features Tim’s downward spiral as he loosens up, starts to drink, gets wasted, cheats on his girlfriend (played by Sigourney Weaver) with Joan (played by Anne Heche), hangs out with prostitutes, sings Karaoke, uses meth, and tries to bribe his way into winning the coveted award.

Raunchy comedy is certainly nothing new, but Cedar Rapids has an indelible charm, and an absolutely hilarious cast, all of whom are acting at the top of their games. It manages to be funny, totally inappropriate, charming, and crude all at once. It is skillfully directed and written. It is a comedy that should not be missed by anyone.

While people are out laughing at drek like That’s My Boy, The Dictator, or Mirror Mirror, they are missing out on movies that are truly funny. I hope more people discover Cedar Rapids, because it has a lot to offer.

Verdict: Good




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