The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess game cover

Since I live in a perpetual timewarp and am unable to play/listen/watch/read anything recent, I typically spend my time playing catch-up, going through all the last-gen video games and movies that have been out on DVD for at least 3 years. That being said, I recently completed The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for the Nintendo Wii. Instead of writing a typical review, I thought it would be more fun to type up my thoughts during my playthrough of the game.

• Ordon Village – Oh great, another Zelda game that starts out using a sleepy village as a tutorial. I got to do all kinds of exciting things like talking to people, walking around, getting lost, learning how to herd goats, learning how to catch goats, and fishing. Fishing was the most annoying thing in the game. The motion controls really fuck it up and make it nearly impossible. I had to read three walkthoughs before I found one that actually explained how to physically manage the controls. Other than the two required fishing parts of the game, I never fished again. What a waste of time. When do I get the sword, anyway? 

Okami 2: Why Don’t You People Listen to Me?

Ok, so apparently people love crap. They must. There is no other explanation for why stuff like live-action Transformers, Kanon, Twilight, and every show on MTV are so popular. This love of shit spreads to every media, including video games. A while ago I wrote a completely even-handed review of Okami for the Wii. Despite my best warnings to you people, you didn’t listen. Despite horrible sales, you continued to write glowing reviews lauding the “merits” of this game, and guess what message you sent to the creators?

“LOL HEY CREATORS OF OKAMI TIHS GAME IS AWESOME YOU SHOULD TOTALY MAK EA SEQUAL LOL!”

And video game designers being the money-hungry whores that they are, decided to go ahead a make a sequel. If the first one didn’t sell, then the sequel will totally be a success, right? Now there is Okami 2, which is titled Okamiden. Typically, sequels will keep the best elements that worked in the original game, get rid of the aspects that didn’t work, and offer additional changes to create a new gaming experience. Is that what they did with Okamiden? No, of course not.

Did they get rid of the terrible Celestial Brush that never worked? No. Well, then they must have gotten rid of the monotonous side-quests of circling trees. No. Um, so they let you finally take recognition for being a god? No. So they must have changed up the repetitive combat system? No. Uhhh, is it a side scroller? Sorry, still no.

Okami is the Poor Man’s Zelda

Beggin’ Strips: Dogs Don’t Know it’s Not Bacon. “It’s Bacon!!!”

I don’t have much to say about Okami, and mostly that is because it is so goddamn average. Nothing about it makes it stand out from the heaping pile of mediocre titles the video game industry craps out on a monthly basis. Now I know what you’re going to say, “BUT BRIK, HTIS GAME IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT TEH BEST PART ARE THE ANIME GRAPHICS LOL.” Before you go ahead and post that just think about this: you are an idiot.

Okami has virtually no redeeming qualities. The graphics are all cel-shaded, which was a cool gimmic back in 2003, but is kind of outdated at this point. The music is bland, uninspiring, pseudo-historical Japanese fare. The story has also been done to death, offering nothing new whatsoever. “BUT BRIK YOU PLAY AS A WOLF GOD WAHT OTHER GAMES DO YOU NOW ABOUT THAT HAVE HTAT LOL?” It doesn’t matter, just replace the wolf with a short guy wearing green tights, and you have another Zelda clone.

Kiss My Colossal Ass

Oh shit.

So I started playing Shadow of the Colossus for PS2 quite a while ago. The game has some really nice features, but it has ONE HUGE GLARING PROBLEM THAT PISSES ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF! If you’ve played the game, I bet you know what that one thing is: wandering around the world map trying to find the goddamn Colossi. This morning I wanted to fight the seventh colossus, but I didn’t get to. I spent half a fucking hour riding the horse around, trying to find the boss. I eventually quit because I felt like my head was going to explode from the rage building inside me. Wandering around the world map in this game is much worse than in a Zelda or Final Fantasy game. At least in those games you can fight bad guys, level up, or discover secrets while traveling. Here, you get nothing. No music, no enemies, no anything. It’s minimalistic, and aggravating. Sure, it seems like a cool aesthetic choice at first, but if you can’t find the boss, it gets old quick. And the fucking sword is no help at all. You use the light to show you where to go, but it doesn’t help. It either points straight into a fucking mountain, or you are in a shady area, and you can’t use it at all. It’s really annoying. What the hell were they thinking? I’ll concede that the colossi battles are really fun and unique, but everything in between is the most uninspiring shit ever put on a disc.

Verdict: Boss Battles (awesome), Everything Else (shitty)