Man of Steel Left Skidmarks All Over the Planet

Why does the Man of Steel wear so much Spandex, anyway?

BrikHaus

Man of Steel is the 2013 GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR reboot of the Superman franchise. And like its predecessors, it manages to soar to unseen heights of mediocrity. There are so many problems with this movie, when I think about them, my head spins. Instead of writing a coherent review with thematic flow, I’m just going to take a shit all over this post, kind of like the movie did to the audience.

First, we get a half-hour long battle with Russell Crowe fighting CGI bad guys while riding flying dragons from Avatar. I can’t recall Jor-El being featured so heavily in any other Superman film. But, fuck it, they managed to get the Gladiator himself, so they better just fucking use him, yeah? After what seems like an eternity of space battles, the movie finally gets to the goddamn point. Jor-El eats it, Superman gets sent into space, and Krypton blows up. Couldn’t they have done all that in, like, 10 minutes? Did it have to be a 30 minute extravaganza? I honestly thought I was watching the climax of the movie. And it’s all downhill from there.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Later, we get an interchange of present day and flashbacks. Henry Cavill plays Clark Kent/Superman. He is lost in the world, travelling from place to place, helping people, staying off the ra– HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT DUDE’S ABS! HE IS TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPED! I’M NOT EVEN GAY AND I HAVE A MAJOR BONER FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW! I THINK ALL THE WOMEN IN THE THEATER JUST SQUIRTED IN THEIR PANTIES! Eventually, Clark gets a job in Canada or someplace, and finds an ancient Kryptonian spaceship.