Horrible Roommates

My roommate is an undeniably huge asshole. Here is a list of things that he does (perhaps intentionally, I’m not sure) to piss me off:

1. Throws twist-ties from plastic bags on the kitchen floor, even though the trash can is two feet away.
2. Spills juice / drops food on the floor and doesn’t clean it up.
3. Leaves 500 pairs of shoes in the entryway, strategically placed for me to trip over every time I enter or leave the apartment.
4. When asked to clean up his messes, he says that he will, but doesn’t do it.
5. When yelled at to clean up his messes, he assures me he will, but still doesn’t do it.
6. Takes 30 minute showers (with the temperature as hot as possible) and then runs the bathroom sink for 15 minutes (also with the temperature as hot as possible) while he shaves. After all of this, if I try to take a shower, the water is ice cold.
7. Doesn’t turn the shower all the way off, so the water is on all day long, which runs up the utility bill.
8. Runs the heater in the summer, and the air conditioner in the winter.
9. Starts talking and interrupts whatever I’m watching on TV without waiting for a commercial.
10. Slams cabinet doors, bangs pots and pans, and rattles around the kitchen in the middle of the night, waking me up.
11. Put knives into the knife block upside down.
12. Runs the dryer at 7am while I’m trying to sleep.
13. Leaves rotting food in the trash can so that the entire apartment smells like garbage.
14. Explodes food in the microwave, and leaves toast in the toaster for up to a week at a time.
15. Never turns off my DVD player, and it may remain on for up to 24 hours.
16. Is able to run the dishwasher, but unable to empty it.
17. Sleeps from 5pm to 2am, so if I watch TV with the volume on it always wakes him up.
18. Doesn’t understand why I am constantly annoyed with him, and spend as little time at home as possible.
19. Is generally inconsiderate, and has no idea how to live with other humans.
20. Thinks his behavior is completely normal.

Do you have a horrible roommate? Let me know what they do to piss you off.

Verdict: Shitty

Fuck You, Air Travelers

I am sending out a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was traveling by air this holiday season. But most especially to the selfish motherfuckers who put their goddamn oversized Gortex coats and laptop cases in the overhead bins (you know who you are). Those bins aren’t for your fucking coats and laptop cases, that’s what the spot underneath the seat is for. The bins are for the rolling carry-on’s that are too big to fit under the seat. But you assholes put your fucking shit up there and take up the space, so I can’t put my goddamn carry-on anywhere. There was this one guy in particular. I asked him if I could move his stuff (a laptop case and a coat – you guessed it), so I could put my carry-on into the bin above my seat. He said I could move it around, but he wouldn’t be altruistic enough to take it out of the bin. So much for the fucking holiday season, and looking out for your fellow man and all that bullshit. This was happening everywhere, and becoming such a big problem that they crew made a special announcement telling those assholes to put their small cases and coats under the seats so people could put their larger carry-on’s in the overhead bins. (This has been getting really bad since the airlines started charging for checking bags… so fuck you, too, airlines.) After the announcement was made, I looked around and failed to see a single person do this. This is something that could only happen in America, where we care more about our own fucking comfort than: 1) following the rules, or 2) doing something to aid our fellow man. I eventually did find a spot for my bag, although it was in the first class section, approximately fifty rows up from where I was sitting, crammed into a seat barely large enough for a small midget. So, the selfishness of the other air travelers really made my experience a great one. Thanks a lot, assholes. Go fuck yourselves.