Fake Indie Movies (AKA Fuck You, Hipsters)

There are a lot of movies I hate. For the most part, Hollywood can’t resist shoving recycled garbage down the throats of the movie-going public 52 weeks a year. Since 2004 there has been a growing number of “indie” movies released every year. The indie movie trend really exploded with the release of Napoleon Dynamite. Since then the term “indie film” has been Hollywood shorthand for “quirky independent comedy.” Unfortunately, the majority of the movies being passed around as “indie” are nothing close to being independent.

A truly independent film typically has a lot of features you will never find in a Hollywood “indie” movie. For example, if the movie was ever released in a national cinema chain (e.g. AMC, Harkins), then it was likely backed by a major studio, and thus is not independent. Real independent movies are not seen in the same cineplex that shows the latest Michael Bay summer shit-spectacular. They may play in a small theater dedicated to independent films, but usually they just make the rounds on the film festival circuit until they are either picked up for home video release or fade into obscurity.

Real independent movies are way too hardcore for the standard movie goer. They are grainy, often black and white, have really low production values, do not star any known actors, and many times deal with social issues or are completely confusing mindfucks. Perfect examples of this would be the movies Eraserhead by David Lynch and Pi by Darren Aronofsky.

Eraserhead: a real indie movie.

A real independent movie is not always a “quirky comedy.” It can be about anything. Unfortunately, Hollywood has latched on to the success of Napoleon Dynamite, and started creating cookie-cutter “indie” films to spew into theaters year round. Every Hollywood “indie” is exactly the same. It has one of two lead characters: Character A is a quirky, awkward male teen who is a virgin, a bit of a nerdy loser, but by the end of the movie will learn to be comfortable with who he is. This character is typically played by Michael Cera. Character B is a quirky, precocious female teen who is out-spoken, a bit of a nerdy loser, wise beyond her years, and by the end of the movie will learn to be comfortable with who she is. This character is typically played by Ellen Page. Character A or B will be surrounded by a number of equally quirky family members or friends who will do nothing to advance the plot and serve no purpose other than being “quirky.”

Hollywood “indie” films follow a rote formula just as much as blockbuster action films or romantic comedies. In all of the Hollywood “indies,” you have Character A or B leading their quirky lifestyle with their quirky family/friends, until something happens that forces them to examine their life, they need to go on a roadtrip (literal or figurative) to re-connect with themselves, along the way they find the true meaning of friendship/love, and ultimately they learn to be happy with who they really are. Naturally, everything is set to acoustic guitar music. This is a formula shat out time and time again. In fact, Hollywood “indie” films are so formulaic that they often use they same font in the poster. This is meant to subliminally tell you, “HEY ASSHOLE, LOOK OVER HERE! IT’S AN INDIE MOVIE! HOW CAN YOU TELL? JUST LOOK AT THE FONT! IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS HANDWRITTEN! THIS IS TOTALLY INDEPENDENT!”

Coming soon to a theater near you, every week.

Now, an “indie” film doesn’t necessarily have to use this font, many “indie” films don’t (e.g. Little Miss Sunshine, Garden State). However, if you see this font, you are pretty much guaranteed to have a fake Hollywood “indie” film on your hands. Just because the title looks handwritten, it’s supposed to make you think it is just as quirky, homegrown, and independent as all the characters populating the movie. All of these movies have a certain smugness about them that pisses me off. Everything they do tries so hard to be fresh and “indie” that they just wind up being nothing more than generic replicas of themselves. Granted, once in a while there are a few movies that break the mold (e.g. the surprisingly excellent (500) Days of Summer), and generate a real sense of humanity and realism. However, most of them are just putrid, manufactured garbage (e.g. Sunshine Cleaning). But Hollywood thinks you won’t notice. There is a way to notice, just take a look at the title font. All “indie” movies have the same one.

The font is called “Pointy.” I, however, am dubbing it the “Indie Movie Font” copyright BrikHaus 2010. Here are just a few examples:

Look at how quirky they all are!

So from now on, just look at the font. If it is the same fake-ass “handwritten” font, then you will immediately know it is another one of Hollywood’s craptastic “indie” movies. That way you know to avoid it.

But wait, it gets worse…

The popularity of these movies has helped lead to the rise of one of the most annoying subcultures of all time. The hipster. Hipsters are everywhere. You can’t avoid them. Chances are, one of the three people who read this blog may actually be a hipster. What is a hipster, you ask? That’s simple. Let’s go to Urban Dictionary to get a definition. After reading this for a second, it became clear that the author was a hipster. As a result, I’ll need to translate it for you. Orange text is the definition, and blue text is my translation.

“Hipsters are a subculture of men and women typically in their 20’s and 30’s that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter.”

Hipsters are a subculture of men and women that value hivemind thinking (hipsters all think the same as one another), acting “different” because they think it’s cool, progressive politics (i.e. being a democrat, which half the country already is anyway), and enjoy creative, witty, quirky movies like all the shitty fake “indie” films listed above.

“Although ‘hipsterism’ is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen [sic] wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too “edgy” for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer.”

Wearing a t-shirt and jeans, or dressing up in nice clothes makes you “culturally-ignorant.” Hipsters are very progressive and forward thinking, which is why they view the “mainstream consumer” as clueless and sheltered. Wearing torn up, “vintage” clothes from Good Will or Salvation Army is really cool and “edgy.” You know what? The homeless have been doing that for years. I guess that means the homeless are the most edgy motherfuckers on the planet.

“It is part of the hipster central dogma not to be influenced by mainsream [sic] advertising and media, which tends to only promote ethnocentric ideals of beauty.”

That makes sense, which is why the majority of advertising campaigns today focus on the hipster aesthetic. (More on that later.) They are just as subject to being manipulated by consumerism as everyone else. One hipster buys something, and ten more jump onto the trend (e.g. owning Apple products).

“Hipsters are pioneers and leaders of the latest cultural trends and ideals. For example, the surge of jeans made to look old and worn (i.e. “distressed”), that have become prevalent at stores such as The Gap, American Eagle, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Hollister, were originally paraded by hipsters who shopped in thrift stores years before such clothing items were mass produced and sold to the mainstream consumer. The true irony here is that many of the detractors of hipster culture are in fact unknowingly following a path that hipsters have carved out years before them”

Wow, you guys are such pioneers! When I think of the great pioneers of the world, I think of Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., the entire anti-slavery movement, and hipsters. Where would we be without the hipsters, the “leaders of the latest cultural trends and ideals.” To be honest, I don’t know anyone who likes the “distressed” jeans look. Who would pay a dime for clothes that are torn to shreds before you buy them? Only a fucking idiot, that’s who. I’m looking at you, hipsters.

“Because of the rise of various online photo-blog and social networking sites, insights into urban hipster culture is reaching sheltered suburban audiences at an exponential rate. Cultural “norms” have been deconstructed by hipster culture as a whole. Hipsterism is often dismissed as just an image thing by some, but the culture as a whole is effecting changes in society, leading to feelings of insecurity and resentment in people who are no longer a part of the cultural ruling class. For example, a lot of anti-hipster sentiment evidently comes from culturally-clueless suburban frat boy types who feel that the more sensitive, intelligent, and culturally aware hipster ideal threatens their insecure sense of masculinity. Anti-hipster sentiment often comes from people who simply can’t keep up with social change and are envious of those who can.”

You’ll never see a hipster with someone who is a non-hipster. They stick to their “ethnocentric ideals of beauty” just as much as non-hipsters. They are just as stupid and bigoted as everyone else. Frat boys may indeed be “culturally-clueless” but hipsters seem to be living in their ivory tower, smelling their own farts, and spending all day thinking about how much better they are than everyone else. But to be fair, they are right. I hate hipsters because I am envious of their ability to keep up with social change. I still live in the stone-age, I believe a woman’s only  place is in the kitchen, and I beat my slaves mercilessly all day long. I wish someone with a stupid haircut, ratty jeans, and thick-frame glasses would show me the light!

Wow, that was really a lot of text. Sorry about that. To be honest, the source was several paragraphs longer, but I couldn’t take any more smugness, so I had to end things there. According to whomever wrote that, hipsters are pretty much the saviors of humanity. Their cool fashion sense and music taste is really helping out the poor, simple masses who are too stupid to understand lofty ideals. Let’s take a look at these bastions of all that is good and right with humanity:

The saviors of the human race.

Wow. I could never strive to be that cool. With all their scarves, shoulder bags, stupid looking shoes, sport coats that don’t fit, and fedoras, I could only hope to be a fraction of how cool they are. The fact is, hipsters are just as preoccupied with how they look as the bleached-blonde, fake-boobed (side note: fake boobs are cool) bimbos that they proclaim to despise. Oh, and if you think I’m the only person hating on hipsters, think again. There is an entire site dedicated to pointing out how fucking stupid these assholes are. It’s called Look at this Fucking Hipster. There is also an entire movement called, “Die Hipster Scum.” Not that I condone killing hipsters. For a moment think about all the people you’ve known in your life that you thought were “cool.” Were they the people who were trendy, political, and snobbish? Or were they the people who were friendly, personable, and non-judgmental? It seems pretty obvious to me who the truly “cool” people of the world are.

Now that the definition of hipster is out of the way, I’m going to go back to something I alluded to earlier. Advertising campaigns are specifically marketing toward the hipster subculture. TV, internet, and print ads are being flooded with “quirky” messages and often display the Fake Indie Movie font. The biggest, soulless, evil corporations are getting in on the action. From Starbucks to Amazon to Volkswagen to motherfucking Miracle Whip, everyone is trying to get a piece of the hipster market. Check it out:

Amazon Kindle Hipster (is a female hipster a hipstress?)

Look at how fucking hip they all are!

Miracle Whip is progressive.

The two main culprits behind all of this are the fake “indie” movies from Hollywood, and Apple Computers. The fake “indie” movies have popularized “quirky” hipster culture, and brought it into the mainstream. A long time ago people that owned Apple products were indeed outside the mainstream in terms of computing. Microsoft/IBM-compatible computers owned the world. Well, they still do, but the margin has diminished markedly in recent years. Ever since the iPod came out, Apple suddenly became a “cool” and “hip” company. People started buying more Apple related products. Consumers thought they were buying something that was outside the mainstream, and as a result, they were “cool” and “hip,” too. Apple kept shitting out more and more products like the iMac, iPhone, iPad, etc. No one was safe. Practically everyone has bought an Apple product at this point. Don’t deny it, you know that you did. Hell, not even I was immune, I bought a fucking iPhone.

Since Apple’s rise in popularity, they are no longer outside the mainstream. However, they still have the public perception of being a perpetual “start-up” company who is outside the mainstream. Apple has so successfully manufactured its image, that everyone still believes they are “cool” and “hip.” As a result, advertising companies have shifted their focus to feature “hipness” in all of their marketing. So your Average Joe who owns an iPod and an iPhone and enjoys fake “indie” movies, now thinks that he is a hipster. He sees a TV commercial for the Amazon Kindle and thinks, “Wow, the people in that commercial are totally hipsters just like me! I need to buy a Kindle!”

 

Even mortgage lenders are getting in on the hipster marketing action.

 

The truth is, Apple is just as evil and soulless as Microsoft, IBM, Starbucks, McDonald’s, or the United States government. Let me simplify it, Apple is now mainstream. So, to all you hipsters out there who are listening to whiny acoustic rock on your iPod, take out your earbuds for a second and pay attention.

YOU ARE NO LONGER HIP AND COOL. YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

It’s true. Throngs of people listen to whiny acoustic rock, fake “indie” movies are popular, the homeless have been wearing the hipster style for generations, and the once non-mainstream Apple is now a mainstream giant. I guess it’s time for the hipsters to pioneer something else. How about pioneering an attitude that isn’t holier-than-thou? Maybe that would be asking too much. Oh wait, I have an idea!

Instead of continuing to watch shitty, fake Hollywood “indie” movies, hipsters could move on to Hollywood blockbusters. They could all start watching the latest Michael Bay summer shit-spectacular, and scoff at anyone who doesn’t watch multi-million dollar Hollywood turds. They could also start wearing business clothes, dress nicely, listen to Techno music, dine on beer and pretzels, and stop smoking that nasty ass smelling hookah. Fuck all you hipsters. Get a life. You aren’t pioneers, and you aren’t cool.

To everyone else, avoid the Fake Indie Movie font. It’s everywhere.