Seth MacFarlane has taken a massive dump on the public once again. His directorial debut is nothing more than a rehash of the same tired jokes and pathetic characters he’s been shitting at us for over a decade. This time movie-goers were subjected to his lame brand of “comedy.”
The biggest problem is that Seth MacFarlane has one idea. That is, a semi-dysfunctional family who resides in an everyday American town gets involved in wacky adventures with their talking animal. Family Guy: talking dog (which died and was replaced by another talking dog). American Dad: talking alien and talking goldfish. The Cleveland Show: talking bears. And now Ted: talking teddy bear. Clearly, MacFarlane is a one-trick pony. He has absolutely no other ideas. Hell, he already had a talking bear on The Cleveland Show, and he recycled that on Ted. For fuck’s sake, how does this guy keep getting license to create new shows when every show is already exactly the same as the last?
Anyway, Ted features Mark Wahlberg as a 45-year-old unsuccessfully playing a 35-year-old man who works at a car rental company and is unbelievably dating Mila Kunis who is a million miles out of his league. Relationship troubles rear their head when Kunis gets fed up with Ted, who is Wahlberg’s sentient teddy bear (and best friend) that he has had for over 20 years. Eventually, Kunis and Wahlberg kick Ted out of their house and that’s sort of where the movie begins.
Ted lumbers along, making plenty of jokes, but absolutely none of them land. The jokes are the average crude variety: LOL THE TEDDY BEAR IS SMOKING OUT OF A BONG LOL! — LOL THE TEDDY BEAR IS HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN LOL! — LOL THE TEDDY BEAR USES FOUL LANGUAGE LOL! The jokes are recognizable as jokes, but they aren’t funny. I suppose if you were 15 years old they might be pretty funny, but otherwise they fall flat. The fact that this shit goes on for an excruciating 106 minutes makes it even worse. Some of the jokes rely on current pop-culture references which won’t make any sense about 5 years from now, and other jokes rely on knowledge of MacFarlane’s show Family Guy. What a crock of shit. If the movie can’t support itself on its own internal comedy, then what the fuck is the point of even making it?
The only part of the movie that was even remotely funny was the scene where Wahlberg recollects how he met Kunis. They flash back to a 1970s disco, and they do a ludicrous dance with all sorts of wacky cartoon sound effects. The problem with this scene? It’s directly lifted from Airplane!, sound effects and all. It’s not an homage, no, its an exact copy. So, that means the only funny scene in Ted didn’t even come from Ted, it came from a completely different movie.
So, Ted drags on for awhile, not doing anything meaningful or amusing until it ends. It ends with a idiotic subplot about a father-son kidnapping duo who steal Ted for themselves. Ted tries to escape and dies in the process. The chase and subsequent death scene are so overwrought they reminded me of the kind of shit you’d see in a straight-to-video movie from the early 1990s. And of fucking course, Ted comes back to life at the end. So, MacFarlane didn’t even have the balls to create some kind of an ending where perhaps Wahlberg’s character could grow and learn to be independent without his best friend around. NOPE, FUCK ALL THAT NOISE! There are no consequences, no learning, no anything.
Ted is an abomination. Just like all of MacFarlane’s other TV shows, it should be avoided at all costs.