Ted is Stuffed Full of Shit

“From the creator of Family Guy”? There’s a real selling point.

Seth MacFarlane has taken a massive dump on the public once again. His directorial debut is nothing more than a rehash of the same tired jokes and pathetic characters he’s been shitting at us for over a decade. This time movie-goers were subjected to his lame brand of “comedy.”
The biggest problem is that Seth MacFarlane has one idea. That is, a semi-dysfunctional family who resides in an everyday American town gets involved in wacky adventures with their talking animal. Family Guy: talking dog (which died and was replaced by another talking dog). American Dad: talking alien and talking goldfish. The Cleveland Show: talking bears. And now Ted: talking teddy bear. Clearly, MacFarlane is a one-trick pony. He has absolutely no other ideas. Hell, he already had a talking bear on The Cleveland Show, and he recycled that on Ted. For fuck’s sake, how does this guy keep getting license to create new shows when every show is already exactly the same as the last?

He’s dating her? Yeah, right.

Anyway, Ted features Mark Wahlberg as a 45-year-old unsuccessfully playing a 35-year-old man who works at a car rental company and is unbelievably dating Mila Kunis who is a million miles out of his league. Relationship troubles rear their head when Kunis gets fed up with Ted, who is Wahlberg’s sentient teddy bear (and best friend) that he has had for over 20 years. Eventually, Kunis and Wahlberg kick Ted out of their house and that’s sort of where the movie begins.
Ted lumbers along, making plenty of jokes, but absolutely none of them land. The jokes are the average crude variety: LOL THE TEDDY BEAR IS SMOKING OUT OF A BONG LOL!LOL THE TEDDY BEAR IS HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN LOL!LOL THE TEDDY BEAR USES FOUL LANGUAGE LOL! The jokes are recognizable as jokes, but they aren’t funny. I suppose if you were 15 years old they might be pretty funny, but otherwise they fall flat. The fact that this shit goes on for an excruciating 106 minutes makes it even worse. Some of the jokes rely on current pop-culture references which won’t make any sense about 5 years from now, and other jokes rely on knowledge of MacFarlane’s show Family Guy. What a crock of shit. If the movie can’t support itself on its own internal comedy, then what the fuck is the point of even making it?

Oh, the hilarity.

The only part of the movie that was even remotely funny was the scene where Wahlberg recollects how he met Kunis. They flash back to a 1970s disco, and they do a ludicrous dance with all sorts of wacky cartoon sound effects. The problem with this scene? It’s directly lifted from Airplane!, sound effects and all. It’s not an homage, no, its an exact copy. So, that means the only funny scene in Ted didn’t even come from Ted, it came from a completely different movie.
So, Ted drags on for awhile, not doing anything meaningful or amusing until it ends. It ends with a idiotic subplot about a father-son kidnapping duo who steal Ted for themselves. Ted tries to escape and dies in the process. The chase and subsequent death scene are so overwrought they reminded me of the kind of shit you’d see in a straight-to-video movie from the early 1990s. And of fucking course, Ted comes back to life at the end. So, MacFarlane didn’t even have the balls to create some kind of an ending where perhaps Wahlberg’s character could grow and learn to be independent without his best friend around. NOPE, FUCK ALL THAT NOISE! There are no consequences, no learning, no anything.
Ted is an abomination. Just like all of MacFarlane’s other TV shows, it should be avoided at all costs.
Verdict: Shitty

The “Bleach” version of this movie would have been better.

25 Responses to “Ted is Stuffed Full of Shit”

  1. January 11, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I’ve avoided this. Mainly because I sort of thought Family Guy was okay at first, but it just dragged on and on and got a lot worse. Glad to see I made the right choice in steering clear of this.

  2. 3 Air Man
    January 11, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    No doubt about it – it’s a repackaged, extra-long episode of Family Guy which I can’t believe is STILL in production after a million episodes which are all the same.

    • January 18, 2014 at 7:53 am

      If you showed Family Guy to people 2000 years from now, then would all think their ancestors were completely fucking moronic for watching the same thing over and over again.

  3. 5 Cut Man
    January 11, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    I’ve treated my Puss in Boots plushie as a living being, which gave me a lot more fun than Ted.

  4. January 11, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Ted shouldn’t have come back to life at the end but MacFarlane and/or the studios wanted to leave the door open for an inevitable sequel if it was a box office hit.

  5. 9 lokifire
    January 12, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I can’t believe you even managed to watch this.
    Brik, you are a far braver man than I.

  6. 11 Sandro
    January 12, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    To be honest, I don’t watch American Dad or Family Guy.
    So without knowledge of Seth MacFarlane’s humor I found the first half of Ted pretty funny. I liked that Flash Gordon running gag, some jokes and I even smiled about the ringtones and Ted talking to his employer at the supermarket was hilarious.

    But I disliked the poop-jokes, Mark Wahlberg is a miscast and the 2nd half of the movie is totally wasted when the lovestory and the kidnapping are in focus of the plot. So 5/10 for me. Average

  7. 13 Rei IV
    January 13, 2014 at 6:14 am

    Aside from a couple episodes or moments in these shows, I never quite saw the appeal in Family Guy, American Dad! or The Cleavland Show, so it’s not surprising this movie didn’t call my attention either. Your review just reaffirms that I avoid Ted. But then again, I’m a Simpsons fan, so perhaps I’m being extremely biased in that respect, especially in regards to MacFarlane’s works.

  8. January 14, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    That Bleach version poster is so awesome! 🙂 This is not my type of humor so I don’t intend on seeing it.

  9. January 15, 2014 at 1:30 am

    I watched this and found it sporadically amusing, although not in any way a classic (or even a film I’ll even watch again.) I guess you had even less tolerance than i did…. Nice review! (and funny too)

  10. January 19, 2014 at 2:08 am

    I laughed myself simple during this, but mainly whenever Ted was on-screen. Everybody else was all fine and funny in their own ways, but he truly was the one that kept this ship moving and best of all, unpredictable as to where his jokes go, and how they would land. Good review.

  11. 21 KikaiderDude
    January 20, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    I’ll admit I enjoyed the first few seasons of Family Guy, however past Season 3 it got really terrible and anything MacFarlane has done since has been awful. So I didn’t see this movie thinking it’d be the same. Glad to see that I was right.

  12. 23 g
    March 9, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Good thing I deleted this off my hardrive halfway through

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January 2014


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