Wedding season is currently underway, and I thought I should make a public service announcement. I know that weddings are a weird topic for Awesomely Shitty, but I felt it was my duty to impart my invaluable words of wisdom onto you. I’ve attended a lot of weddings, including my own, which makes me practically an expert on the subject. So, if you’re planning on having your own, here’s a list of ways you can royally fuck up your wedding and piss off everyone.
1.) The ceremony is too long – A typical rookie mistake. Nobody wants to sit for more than 15-20 minutes watching the two of you stand motionless while some crusty old tool reads through a long-winded ceremony. The longer it goes, the more anxious people are going to be to leave, not to mention they’ll be furious. Of course you thought the 75 minute ceremony with Catholic Mass included was “beautiful.” But your 200 guests didn’t. They were hopelessly bored and contemplating suicide as a means of escape.
2.) The ceremony is too short – I know it seems impossible for the ceremony to be too short, but the last wedding I went to had a ceremony which clocked in at 5 minutes. At any wedding, the ceremony is the main event. The reception is the celebration of that. Obviously, the reception is the fun part with drunken debauchery and horny bridesmaids, but that doesn’t mean you should have the ceremony take two seconds. Put some goddamn thought into the readings, music, and vows to make it worthwhile. Otherwise, you might as well get married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.
3.) Somebody read 1 Corinthians – You know the one, “Love is patient, love is kind, love is cliche, love is etc.” Every wedding I have been to except for two (mine skipped it) had this. It is the most overused piece of shit reading. Maybe the sentiment is nice, but it’s hard to like it when you hear it all the fucking time. Love is great and all, but considering 50% of marriages end in divorce, is love really something we want to hear about at a wedding?
4.) You did the Sand Ceremony – The bride and groom each get their own color of sand and the two are mixed together in a single container. The symbolism is obvious enough that even a blind person could see it. Like 1 Corinthians, the sentiment is a nice idea but it, too, is so overused that it has become a massive cliche. If you really look you’ll find a million ideas similar to this but different. People should try and keep it varied instead of doing the same crap over and over. It’s boring for the guests and it makes your wedding generic and forgettable, just like the two of you.
5.) You had a theme wedding – Since the two of you met at a Lord of the Rings convention you thought it would be a good idea to dress up as Aragorn and Arwen for the wedding. Well, guess what? It was a terrible idea. Sure, people love Star Wars, but they don’t love it enough to endure the torture of seeing two assholes in cheap cardboard Boba Fett costumes getting hitched. Perhaps sexy Samus from Metroid and Master Chief from Halo might be acceptable, but don’t count on it. Everyone will just be laughing at your retarded theme.
6.) The ceremony is in a different location than the reception – Nobody wants to drive all they way out to your long fucking ceremony just to get right back in their car to drive somewhere else to get shitty buffet food. Keep both events in the same location.
7.) The Cocktail “Hour” – Usually this is an hour blocked off immediately after the ceremony and before the reception officially begins. It was traditionally reserved for the bride and groom and wedding party to take pictures together, as in the good old days the bride and groom hadn’t seen each other until the ceremony on the wedding day. Of course this is completely stupid now that we live in the 21st century. All the brides and grooms live together and have already fucked a billion times before getting married, so not seeing each other before the ceremony is sort of a moot point. Nobody likes waiting around for an “hour” wasting their time for you to take your fucking pictures. Get that shit done BEFORE the ceremony. That way nobody has to wait. Besides, the “hour” is usually anywhere from 90 minutes to 2 hours. It’s never an hour. This is the part where your guests get hungry and angry and want to leave and/or punch you in the face for wasting their goddamn Saturday afternoon.
8.) The DJ is super cheesy – Hey guess what? Nobody likes the Chicken Dance. Also, nobody gives a shit about YMCA or The Electric Slide. In fact, people hate that shit. It’s only fun if you are super trashed and 14 years old. Make sure that you hire somebody who can cut out the cheesiness. If not, the guests are going to be groaning and rolling their eyes and making fun of your wedding for the rest of their lives. If you have to hire someone who costs a few extra bucks and is a real professional, then go ahead and spend the money.
9.) You hired a band – Hiring a live band is the one of the WORST mistakes you could make. Bands suck. Musicians are some of the whiniest, laziest, most entitled slugs on the planet. Get four or more of them together and you have a cocktail for disaster. They’ll play for 30 minutes straight and then take an hour break. And since your wedding reception is only going to last 4-6 hours, most of the time there’s going to be silence or a backup DJ playing in the background anyway. Plus, a DJ is cheaper. Also, nobody likes to hear a crappy band’s cover songs. Also, they don’t know a lot of songs you want them to play. Also, don’t hire your brother’s shitty band. Just don’t hire a band. It never works.
10.) You spent most of the budget on the dress and/or venue and the reception budget was an afterthought – Nobody wants to celebrate your marriage at McDonald’s Funland, so don’t blow your wad on the dress.
11.) The food is served buffet-style – Your guests traveled great distances, they spent a lot of money on a gift for you, you probably spent all of 2 minutes talking to them (because you can’t spend more than 2 minutes with each guest if you want to see them all), you forced them to endure a painfully slow cocktail “hour” and the bride’s brother’s shitty cover band, and you reward them with SURPRISE! YOU CAN SERVE YOUR OWN FOOD, ASSHOLE! A wedding is supposed to be a fancy, fun dinner party. When was the the last time you spent an assload of money on dinner and the fucking waiter told you to go serve yourself? That’s right, never. Having a buffet is a huge slap in the face to your guests.
12.) Serving ethnic food – Unless you are Mexican, no, scratch that, even if you are Mexican, do not serve Mexican food. Mexican food is the worst fucking thing to serve at a wedding. Nothing says class like rice, beans, and tamales. Great idea loading your guests up with stuff that clears out their bowels an hour after eating. The same holds true for Chinese food and Indian food. Unless everyone there is Chinese or Indian, your guests don’t want to eat that shit at a wedding. They just don’t. Is it racist? Probably, but it’s true. Don’t deny it.
13.) Cash Bar Only – I endured the ceremony from hell, yet another reading of 1 Corinthians, had to waste gas money driving to your fucking separate locations, and you won’t even spend the money to give me free alcohol? How about just a beer? No? Not even a free Coke? Fuck you!
14.) Asking for cash instead of having a gift registry – No, just no. This one should be obvious. The whole point of the gift registry is to give the newlyweds shit they need to start their lives together. You know, the necessities like a cappucino machine, a Wii Fit, and a lifetime supply of lube. If the happy couple tells the guests to just give them cash money, they can go spend it on whatever they want, which usually entails them taking your money to pay for the wedding. It’s like telling the guests when they walk in the door SURPRISE, DICKWAD! YOU JUST PAID FOR OUR WEDDING AND HONEYMOON, AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN GET ANY FREE ALCOHOL OUT OF THE DEAL! Next time you see someone asking for cash in lieu of a gift, make sure you get a gift. Bonus points for something useless and non-returnable.
15.) The bride and groom are just wrong for each other – You know who they are. The extremely co-dependent couple. The groom who is a huge douchebag. The bride who poked holes in the groom’s condoms so she could get knocked up and he would marry her out of an old-fashioned sense of duty. Regardless of the story, if the couple is just wrong for each other, nobody is going to have a good time. You know from the moment they say “I do” they will be getting a divorce. It’s only a matter of time.
There you have it. A wedding is one of the most narcissistic events imaginable. The whole thing is nothing more than LOOK AT US WE ARE SO AWESOME COME TO OUR PARTY AND GIVE US MONEY AND CONGRATULATE US WHILE WE CELEBRATE OURSELVES! If the bride and groom have any sense they should try to make the event fun for their guests. Sadly, most couples do not, so it makes attending weddings one of worst things imaginable. Funerals at least are shorter and don’t require you to bring a gift. Let this be a guide to all of you who read this. If you avoid all (or at least most) of these mistakes, you can actually have a good wedding. Your guests will remember it fondly instead of forever recalling what a shitfest it was.