Sup, bros? I saw this totally rad movie over the weekend called Pooper. And by totally rad I mean it gave me the same feeling I have when I chug too much Jager and have to puke.
All my bros in film reviewing land had the exact same things to say about Pooper: “mind-bending”, “smart”, “scintillating”, “smart”, “creative”, “exciting”, “smart”, “very smart”, “high-concept”, “intelligent”, and “smart.” While my bros out there really liked this movie, I’m still wondering if they thought it was a smart movie. It’s hard to tell. In fact, I just typed “smart” so many times, it doesn’t even look like a real word any more. Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Pooper is about a futuristic hitman named Joe, and he was named Joe because he was played by Joseph (Broseph, am I right?) Gordon-Levitt. That keeps things simple. Joe kills people for a living because he doesn’t have any other discernible job skills. Usually, people that suck at everything either go into teaching or acting. So, the movie should have been about Joe teaching acting to people from the future. That would have been way smarter. Anyway, the people he kills are sent to him from the future, and he shoots them – no questions asked. One day, the person sent back in time is his 60 year old self. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Old Joe (Bruce Willis) manages to get away from Young Joe, because Young Joe sucks at his job. How hard is it to kill someone with a shotgun at point-blank range anyway? Apparently REALLY FUCKING HARD if you are a turd burglar. Which is what Joe is. He burgles turds. I’m serious, bros.
They even gave JGL a bunch of Bruce Willis makeup to make them look the same. But JGL didn’t look like Bruce Willis, he just looked like a dude with a fucked up face. They made up his nose, his upper and lower lips, his ears, his eyes, and his hairline. His hairline? Really? Bruce Willis was fucking bald, so this seemed like a waste of time. All they needed to do was the colored contact lenses so they had the same eye color. Otherwise, I can suspend my disbelief and pretend these two guys are playing the same bro.
After this, all hell breaks loose. The mob bros want Old Joe dead really bad. They try to kill him, and they try to catch Young Joe so they can fuck him up as a way to track down Old Joe. Young Joe wants Old Joe dead really bad, too. If he kills his future self, then he gets to keep a shitload of money, gets the mob bros off his back, and can go off to bang some Chinese bitches for the next 30 years. Pretty much the only person who doesn’t want to kill Old Joe is Old Joe. But Old Joe has a major hard-on for killing kids. He goes through the movie shooting little kids in the face.
Bros, this is totally the part where everyone thought this movie was smart and intelligent. I have no doubt. I have never been so sure of anything in my life except when I won the keg stand competition at the Kappas sophomore year. Let’s face it, bros, little kids SUCK. This girl from college kept telling me her kid was mine, but I knew it wasn’t. She was a ho, and I knew she was banging other bros. Turns out the kid wasn’t mine. She went on Maury Povich and everything. True story, bros. Anyway, so yeah, Old Joe has got the right idea, going around shooting little kids in the face. That way, none of those bitches can try to slap him with a paternity suit in the future.
For some reason, the movie decides to cut away from the awesome kid-killing action to show us some boring bullshit on a farm. The isolated farmhouse is the laziest and aesthetically blandest setting in the history of movies. Even worse is that half the fucking movie takes place on the boring ass farm. There is a chick there with a nice ass, and Young Joe bangs her. (Nice one, bro!) Problem is, the movie doesn’t show her tits! What a crock of shit! We saw some prostitute with flat titties early in the movie. We didn’t even get to see real jugs. They should have had a scene where one of the Joes was in the strip club surrounded by chicks with HUGE – I’m talking ENORMOUS – titties. Like that scene with Babygoose in Drive. Now, that is a movie about a bro who knows how to be a true bro.
Babygoose doesn’t take any shit from anybody. If he was wearing his visor backwards and upside down, and some dude tried to tell him he was wearing it wrong – BAM! – foot in the face. If he was poppin’ his collar and some dorky band kid laughed at him – BAM! – crowbar in the mouth. If he was trying to lay some slick moves on a lady, and some other bro tried to cockblock him – BAM! – knife in the chest. What I’m trying to say is Babygoose is a hardcore bro. If Pooper had starred Babygoose, he totally would have teamed up with Bruce Willis in a child-killing rampage. Babygoose is so metal.
The rest of the movie is a bunch of boring shit. Lots of talking. And one of the main characters is a 6 year old kid who can barely say his ABCs. He tries to act intense and serious, but all his lines ended up hilarious! (This was the movie being smart again.) Bros, I seriously thought the movie decided to become a comedy for a while. Child actors always suck. 100% of the time.
Apparently, this kid is like Professor X or some shit. He can levitate shit with his mind. One time in junior year, I took a couple of hits of acid, this was right before the homecoming game. When we were tailgating, I kept trying to lift some some brews out of the cooler with my mind. If I could do that, chicks’ panties would have been dropping to the ground, hard. When I figured out I couldn’t do it, one of my bros had my back. He tossed me a brew and I shotgunned it. Then I puked.
Old Joe finally tracks down Young Joe and the kid and the mom. As far as I know, the kid and the mom didn’t have names. Listen to me bros, they were literally called “the kid” and “the mom”, I swear to god. Old Joe whoops on everybody, and is just about to kill the mom, when Young Joe decides the only way to stop the insanity is to kill himself. He does, and Old Joe disappears.
With both Joes dead, the movie tells us that the kid doesn’t grow up to be a horrible mob boss who kills thousands of bros worldwide, and doesn’t take revenge against all the Poopers. To be honest, bros, this made me really confused. If Young Joe killed himself, then Old Joe never killed the mom, and the kid never grew up to be evil. But if that’s the case, then he never killed all the Poopers. And if that’s the case, then Old Joe would have never gone back in time, and Young Joe would have never killed himself, and the entire movie never happened. But the fact that Old Joe came back from the future and Young Joe had to kill himself means that the kid still grew up to be evil as a direct result of what Young Joe did and HOLY SHIT, BROS! THIS MOVIE IS SO SMART IT JUST GAVE ME AN ANEURYSM!