Man of Steel is the 2013 GRRR DARK AND GRITTY GRRR reboot of the Superman franchise. And like its predecessors, it manages to soar to unseen heights of mediocrity. There are so many problems with this movie, when I think about them, my head spins. Instead of writing a coherent review with thematic flow, I’m just going to take a shit all over this post, kind of like the movie did to the audience.
First, we get a half-hour long battle with Russell Crowe fighting CGI bad guys while riding flying dragons from Avatar. I can’t recall Jor-El being featured so heavily in any other Superman film. But, fuck it, they managed to get the Gladiator himself, so they better just fucking use him, yeah? After what seems like an eternity of space battles, the movie finally gets to the goddamn point. Jor-El eats it, Superman gets sent into space, and Krypton blows up. Couldn’t they have done all that in, like, 10 minutes? Did it have to be a 30 minute extravaganza? I honestly thought I was watching the climax of the movie. And it’s all downhill from there.
Later, we get an interchange of present day and flashbacks. Henry Cavill plays Clark Kent/Superman. He is lost in the world, travelling from place to place, helping people, staying off the ra– HOLY SHIT CHECK OUT THAT DUDE’S ABS! HE IS TOTALLY FUCKING RIPPED! I’M NOT EVEN GAY AND I HAVE A MAJOR BONER FOR THIS GUY RIGHT NOW! I THINK ALL THE WOMEN IN THE THEATER JUST SQUIRTED IN THEIR PANTIES! Eventually, Clark gets a job in Canada or someplace, and finds an ancient Kryptonian spaceship.
It’s really convenient that the ancient Kryptonian spaceship happened to have Superman’s full costume inside and ready to go. We got to skip over the whole part of his uniform being created. Also, isn’t it weird that all the Kryptonian costumes are monochrome colors, and Superman’s is red, yellow, and blue? Well, whatever, fuck it, we don’t have time for explanations. TIME TO GET TO THE EXPLOSIONS, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Michael Shannon plays General Zod. He screams a lot and shows his neck tendons, which is cool, but he doesn’t have the same suave, semi-gayness that Terence Stamp had in Superman II. He shows up and demands that Superman help them conquer Earth or something. I can’t quite remember. Anyway, they start terraforming Earth, which means every human on the planet will die. Fortunately, there is a way to stop them. Superman does battle with a giant Japanese tentacle rape machine, in some of the most confusing CGI this side of Transformers 2. After that, Superman gets to fight the other Kryptonians one-on-one.
Just like in Superman II, everyone is invincible, and therefore none of the fights have any tension whatsoever. You can only watch invincible CGI aliens smash into each other so many times before it gets old. For me, it was about 12 seconds. After that, I was ready to move on. BUT GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE, THIS FIGHT SCENE IS GOING TO LAST AT LEAST ANOTHER 40 MINUTES, SO HOLD ONTO YOUR COCK!
Pause suddenly for Superman and Lois Lane to make out. Also, she knows his secret identity. I guess they decided to go in another direction for that whole thing, huh? And then Lois says something about it all going “downhill after the first kiss.” WOW, LOIS THAT WAS SUPER FUCKING ROMANTIC! WAY TO KILL THE MOOD! WHY DON’T YOU TELL SUPERMAN HOW MANY MEN YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH AND HOW HIS DICK ISN’T THE BIGGEST OF THEM ALL?! Then, with all of Metropolis in ruins, I thought the movie was over.
NO WAY, DICKFACE, SUPERMAN STILL HAS TO FIGHT GENERAL ZOD! AND IT’S GOING TO BE THE MOST EXTREME FIGHT OF THIS ENTIRE MOVIE! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! OOOOHHHH-WAH-AH-AH-AH!
So, we get to see more tedious CGI aliens smashing into each other, and leveling the last few remaining buildings in Metropolis. It ends when the movie decides that the invincibility thing doesn’t exist when it’s not convenient, so Superman kills Zod by snapping his neck. It was pretty damn anti-climactic after all that goddamn fighting and CGI shit blowing up constantly.
People got their panties in a bunch about Superman killing Zod, because apparently, according to comic book nerdlingers, Superman doesn’t kill. FUCK THAT NOISE, YOU DIPSHITS! SUPERMAN TOTALLY KILLED GENERAL ZOD IN SUPERMAN II! HE DROPPED ZOD INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT! YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GENERAL ZOD ALWAYS GETS KILLED BY SUPERMAN! SO SUCK ON THAT ONE, BROS! Personally, I felt “whatever” about it. I just wanted the movie end.
Zack Snyder, the genius behind the
acclaimed shitfest Sucker Punch, directed this giant turd, and it totally shows. With Snyder, less isn’t more. More is more. More flying Avatar dragons, more Russell Crowe, more exploding buildings, more CGI, more everything! He puts far more value on green screen bullshit than he does on story or character development.
Man of Steel is like the McDonald’s equivalent of a superhero movie: fatty, bloated, gross, and super-sized.
A lot of hate and rage went into Brik’s review, but relax. Now you’ve reached the part full of rainbows, unicorns, and ridiculously large abdominal muscles.
I can sum up what I thought of the movie in two words: Henry Cavill.
After the first 30 minutes of boring crap was over, we got to the good stuff. Henry Cavill do-gooding all over America. Henry Cavill with no shirt on. Henry Cavill with really, really large thigh muscles. He was like Ryan Gosling, except super-beefy and with super powers.
Really, I think my favorite part was that he didn’t need the goofy-looking muscular superhero suit. He actually built up muscle, so that his suit could enhance the good stuff. It did have a casted layer but they were casted to his own muscles. I thank the deities for P90X and protein shakes daily.
His muscles were perfect. Large with just the right amount of glisten. Whoever oiled him up before every take was one lucky lady.
Mixed in between the poses of Cavill, our modern-day Greek God, some other stuff happened. Fighting, explosions, some probably very loosely tied-together plot points that I can hardly remember. My focus was just not on the plot, I have to admit. But can you blame me?
The only really dumb thing was at the end, when Lois doesn’t recognize Clark when he takes the job at the newspaper. While those glasses do make him look a bit dorkier, he still looks like the same person. This is typical movie-magic bullshit; no one ever recognizes you, no matter how terrible the disguise. I have never had the experience of not recognizing someone when they changed their clothes and wore a pair of eyeglasses. But if this is the thing that pissed me off the most about this movie, then I guess the next logical question is, how many adult beverages did I consume beforehand? Ask Brik, maybe he’ll tell you.
Verdict: Awesome (Inversely Related to Percentage of Body Fat)