Black Butler, Blue Exorcist

Black Butler

This is the gayest anime I have ever seen.

You know you’re in trouble when you start a new anime, and the first episode is filler. This whole show is filler. As far as I can tell there isn’t any story. It’s just about some really effeminate rich kid and his incredibly flamboyant butler. 99% of this show focuses on them homolusting after one another, prancing around and acting extremely gay. They pretend to not be gay, but their gayness brims to the surface every second of every episode. Their gayness completely envelopes the series into a nauseating mess of unwatchable shit. This show is gayer than Descendants of Darkness and that show had characters who were openly gay. This show is an insult to anyone who appreciates good acting, good storytelling, good characters, good pacing, good directing, and good taste. Hell, it’s an insult to homosexuality. It’s like a teenage girl’s idea of what it’s like to be gay. “LOL LIKE OHMYGOD THEY ARE TOOOOTALLY GAY THEY WEAR THIGH HIGH LEATHER BOOTS AND FRILLY FRENCH CLOTHES AND STARE LONGINGLY INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES AND GET REALLY CLOSE WITHOUT KISSING JUST TO BUILD SEXUAL TENSION LOL!” Black Butler should be classified under the genre of “hate crime.” By the way, why is it titled Black Butler when the butler is white? Oh, and did I mention it’s incredibly gay? Yes that’s right, gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

Verdict: Shitty

Blue Exorcist

The assholes of Blue Exorcist

You’d expect Blue Exorcist to be nothing more than typical shonen trash. And guess what? You’d be right. Blue Exorcist, while entertaining, offers up absolutely nothing that the tired genre hasn’t already seen. The protagonist (his name doesn’t matter because he is just like every other shonen series protagonist) is an irresponsible oaf who carries an untapped power. Unbeknownst to him, he is the son of Satan and is filled with all sorts of demonic powers. Wouldn’t you know it, this is revealed to him in the first episode, and he decides to fight on the side of good. He immediately enrolls in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry True Cross Academy where he learns how to be an exorcist. There he meets a bunch of stock secondary characters that no shonen series can do without. Also, his younger brother turns out to be an exorcist too, and is ZOMG SO AMAZING THAT HE IS THE PROTAGONIST’S TEACHER ZOMG! *sigh* Throughout his training, the protagonist battles all kinds of monsters, and eventually has to face off against his daddy Satan. During the final battle, which lasted several episodes, I kept wondering: “Where are the real exorcists? You know, the school’s teachers or the people from the Vatican?” Apparently, they don’t give a shit about fighting the world’s greatest threat, the Devil. They figured they could leave it up to some students. Fortunately, the protagonist and his brother fend off Satan and the world is saved. The End. Oh wait, no, not before they have one final battle with a demon who inhabits motor vehicles. What the fuck? The only thing that stood out for me in this show are the number of moles characters have. The brother had three moles on his face. The protagonist’s mother had four moles on her face. Whoever did the character designs for this clearly has a mole fetish. While Blue Exorcist has good animation quality and is mildly entertaining to watch, it ultimately should be relegated to the cookie-cutter shonen garbage bin.

Verdict: Bad

Classically Shitty: Citizen Kane – A Tale of Forbidden Love

I bet Kane wishes Leland was underneath him right now.

Extra! Extra! Read All About it!

Greatest Film of All Time Reviewed by BrikHaus!

Citizen Kane is considered to be the greatest film of all time. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a score of 100%, the American Film Institute (whatever the fuck that is) ranked it as the #1 film ever made (apparently they haven’t seen Conan the Barbarian), and every film school instructor in the world jerks off to it on a regular basis. The real question we should be asking is: Why? Why do so many people give so many shits about this movie?

Film-fags will throw around terms like, “Deep Focus” and “Low-Angle Shots” and “Lightning Mix.” Those are film-making techniques that director Orson Welles helped to pioneer in this movie. Innovative techniques are not a reason for Citizen Kane to be called the greatest movie of all time. That would be like saying the 1893 Duryea Motor Wagon was the greatest car of all time because it had a 4 horsepower, single cylinder gasoline engine, a friction transmission, a spray carburetor, and low tension ignition.

You could say that Orson Welles is the “greatest pioneering film director of all time” but that has little to do with his movie being the best ever. So, again, why do people fawn all over this movie? Here’s why: it’s about gays. Yes, that’s right. It was a pioneering film with a rich subtext about a homosexual love affair. Orson Welles had HUGE balls to make a movie about gay love in 1941, and that is the reason it remains such a beloved classic to this day.

4 Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse: Part 3 – JAWSBUPS

 

The Four Horsemen of the Film-Making Apocalypse

For a long time I’ve been carefully watching for the end of the world. According to the Bible (the world’s most accurate and consistent book), the world will end in a fiery shit storm, ushered in by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Well, that time is here, albeit not in a form that anyone expected. In fact, all the pestilence, war, famine, and death are not coming literally, but figuratively in the world of cinema.

Horseman numero tres is none other than JAWSBUPS. Wait a second. Who the fuck is JAWSBUPS? Well, it actually isn’t a single director. It is an amalgamation of three small time, but horribly inept directors. Alone each of them is relatively harmless, but put together they combine to become the Voltron of shitty movies. JAWSBUPS breaks down to the original initials J.S., P.W.S.A., and U.B. Those initials stand for Joel Schumacher, Paul W. S. Anderson, and Uwe Boll.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “BUT BRIK THOSE GUYS HAVE MADE SUM GOOD MOVIES YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKIN ABOUT LOL!” You may feel like they have made some good movies, but you’d be wrong. Your memory is playing tricks on you. Let’s take a closer look at their combined efforts: